Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Four months of tears...

Four months ago today our precious little Ian left our arms and ran to Jesus. Four months ago today our best friend died and we faced the harsh reality that we would never hold him again. Four months ago today Ian broke off a piece of my heart that I will never get back and I'm here to tell you this is a road you never want to travel!!!

"I can't even imagine how hard it is to lose a child!" "I could never pretend to know your hurt." "I don't know how you wake up each day and get out of the bed." "How do you do it Mary?"

These are words I hear every day now. I have heard them so much that I thought today I would give you a glimpse of just how hard it really is to live after your child has died and taken an enormous piece of your heart with him. This entry will be brutally honest and talk about feelings that some of you may not want to know. If you think you can't handle the honest gut-wrenching emotions of living life as a mom without a child then I suggest you quit reading now. However, if you really want to know what it is like to live as a mom without a child then go ahead and open yourself up to some very raw emotions.

I anticipate the 9th of every month because it is the "anniversary" of when Ian left my arms and went to LIVE in Heaven with his maker. For about a week leading up to the 9th I am in a horrible mood because I know good and well the emotions I will face on "the day" of the 9th of each and every month. I will replay in my head all day what happened on "that day." It was a Friday afternoon of a week that would soon be known as Ian's last week of life. I think to myself..."What could I have done different?" "Should I have put him in the hospital?" "Did he suffocate on my shoulder because of the way I was holding him?" "Did I fight hard enough for my little boy or did I just let him die?" "I am not worthy to live God...I am not worthy!!!"

Feelings of a mom who has to live on this dreadful earth without her one and only child:
*No reason to live...I mean really think about it. I gave up everything for Ian. I quit my job and for some reason I can't get another one. I spent every waking moment with Ian and now he is gone and I don't know how to "live" without him here to live for.
*Tears...I will be sitting here and out of nowhere tears start pouring down my face. I wasn't even crying or sad at that exact moment and tears....they just come out of nowhere and flow down my cheeks.
*Emotions on your shoulder...Wow, you really can't imagine how hard this one is. I don't want to be so emotional but the smallest thing gets me these days. I am emotionally vulnerable and at every second of the day I am one step away from falling off the tight rope I am walking on. The smallest thing can cause me to fall and when I do fall it is hard to get the strength to get back up on that rope and try again.
*Exhaustion...the grief of losing a child wears you out! You can't sleep...all you can do is sleep...you can't sleep...all you can do is sleep. It's a cycle!
*Become a good actress/actor...It consumes my every thought and you better believe I am good at hiding it. You'd never know by hanging around me that as we are talking my every thought is revolving around my little boy who died 4 months ago. I will "act" like I am fine but inside I am broken.
*Have to worry about others grieving Ian too...I know other people who cared for Ian are grieving too but right now I can only worry about Wae and myself. We are fighting to survive at this point and that's all I can handle. He was my child...my one and only child and this is HARD to live every day without him. I have to worry about us first and not about others at this point and time.
*Overwhelmed...I thought I had prepared myself for this day since I have always known Ian would die but boy oh boy was I wrong! You could never prepare yourself for these emotions. Never!!!
*Typical emotions we have every day...can't sleep, want to sleep all day, mood swings, exhaustion, extreme anxiety, intense sadness and pain, headaches, inability to concentrate, loneliness like you could never imagine!
*Can I make it another day???...yes there are days when just to be brutally honest I could care less if I lived another day on this earth! I am not saying I am suicidal...I am not!!! : ) I am saying you lose your drive...you lose your purpose...you lose everything that at one point and time you knew. You are lost and looking for new direction from God
*Eat, can't eat, eat the whole house, throw up if I eat...eat, eat, eat!!! This is the worse because it causes a whole new set of emotions when you become so fat that none of your clothes fit and it's all your fault because you are taking your heartache out on your weight and an obsession with chocolate and cake. LOL!

This list only tips the iceberg of the emotions we are faced with every day. Yes, we seem to be "fine" "ok" "good" "making it." But you know what??? This is a situation where you really don't want to know how I am. Trust me on that one!

I hope this entry helped you to understand a very small piece of my heart these days. You really can't imagine how hard a day in the life of a mom who isn't a mom anymore really is.



  1. My heart breaks for you! I am proud of you for even getting up and trying to go on. I am proud of you for being honest about your feelings. I am proud of you, that even in the midst of this horrible grief, you still care about others. I am proud of you for trusting God to get you through this, that you are earnestly seeking Him in all of this. I am proud that you are my daughter! Love you lots, Mom

  2. Ian did not suffocate because of the way you were holding him. He was in his mothers arms, in the exact spot he wanted to be, being held exactly how he wanted to be held. I feel like that was a privilege given to you., you were the one loving and holding him at the exact moment he went to meet Jesus. It was exactly as it should have been!!!

  3. Mary,
    I have been left speechless by your post today. I have searched my heart all day trying to find the right words, there are none. My heart breaks for you and Wae. I will continue to lift you up in prayer. I pray that you will find peace and that God will continue to give you the strength to make it through each day. I pray for comfort, that God will give you comfort in the darkest of times.

  4. Dear Mary,

    My heart breaks for you every day. You are right...I cannot imagine life without my girls. Just the thought brings me to tears. You are such a special woman, and I have come to love you just by reading your writings, and seeing what a loving person you are. I pray for you daily. I pray for peace, and comfort, and joy for you. I am so sorry for your pain.

    Clarice Avery

  5. Mary,
    I lost my little girl to cancer 3 years ago. She was only 3 and suffered all of her life from it. You put into words exactly how I felt everday for over the first year she was gone. I still feel this way many days now. I totally dread the end of the year because it is her birthday and then the day she died is 2 years later. Thank you for posting this. I think it is good for others to see how we mothers live. The comment "I don't know how you do it" used to drive me crazy. I would think to myself "What choice do I have?" I have learned that time will no heal my heart but it does help me to learn to live with the situation. I will keep you guys in my prayers. I know you don't know me, but if you ever need someone who can relate, my e-mail is ryannbsn@yahoo.com. My little one's website is www.hadleymay.com. I haven't updated in a couple of years. Eventually, I ran out of words. Hange in there.
    Love in Christ,
    Ryann May

  6. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing so much. This is exactly how I felt and continue since we lost our daughter three years ago. As crazy as it sounds I can remember just wanting to fall asleep next to her little spot at the cemetery so that I could be "close" to her. At first I was always dreading the 29th and 5th of the month, her earthly and heavenly birthdays. I believe I subconciously found it too difficult to keep track of began to completely forget what day it was. I could tell you what day of the week it was, but to this day I have a hard time keeping up with what day of the month it is. Anyway, you ARE NOT ALONE and as crazy as you may feel some days, you're completely normal! Thanks again for sharing.


  7. praying for you still everyday. You are an incredible person. I look forward to your post each day....

    Andrea Harrell

  8. my heart actually aches for you. i am not even going to say "i can't imagine" I am going to say, "I don't understand?!?!" It just seems insane to me that you don't have your precious little boy. I prayer you every single morning. I remember your updates so freshly in my mind. I am so thankful I have you as a blog friend. You don't know me from a hill of beans, but I feel like I know you so well. If you haven't heard it yet, you should look up Josh Wilson's song "Before the Morning" and watch the video on youtube. It is a great song. powerful words and good video. Just wanted you to know that my stomach actually felt a quiver of your emotion as I was reading your words. You are an amazing woman and your glory is coming...I know it is. Good comes to those who LOVE GOD! And I know you love him and good is coming. Don't give Satan a foothold in your life, I know you know this, I just wanted to remind you..stay strong and lean on your Faith in knowing HIS PLAN is BEST!

  9. Mary every time I think of you and read a post COURAGE and COURAGEOUS is exactly what comes to my mind. You have so much of this even though you don't think so at times. Love Kyla

    COURAGE, n. L., the heart. Bravery; intrepidity; that quality of mind which enables men to encounter danger and difficulties with firmness, or without fear or depression of spirits; valor; boldness; resolution. It is a constituent part of fortitude; but fortitude implies patience to bear continued suffering.

    Courage that grows from constitution, often forsakes a man when he has occasion for it; courage which arises from a sense of duty, acts in a uniform manner.

    Be strong and of good courage. Deuteronomy 31.

  10. Just found your blog, aqnd had to tell you how TRUE this post is. I too, know every single gut wrenching feeling you typed all too well.

    Your story of Ian is so incredible, the love you had for him.

    I look forward to reading more of your blog.

    Nolan's Mom