Thursday, June 23, 2011

Happy and Blessed...

Last year this time if you would have told me I would be writing a journal entry titled "Happy and Blessed" I think I would have been very offended by your comment. However, this year as I sit and think about my life the two words that resound in my thoughts are happy and blessed!!!

I was working in Asher's room last night and trying to organize everything because he will be here in less than 11 weeks!!! As I was folding the clothes freshly washed in dreft and smelling like a little baby tears started to stream down my face. Happy and blessed...I bowed my knees and fell to my face in thanksgiving to my Heavenly Father. All I could think was "Lord, thank you!!! There is nothing else I could ask of you. I have everything I could ever want at this moment and YOU are the reason."
In astonishment still I ponder the thought that we are having a healthy little boy. When the doctors said it was so highly unlikely God performed a miracle in our lives the doctors had never seen. "Mrs.Ellis there's just no explanation for this!?!" And my response will always be..."There is an explanation to this and it is that MY GOD answers prayers!!!" Matthew 21:22 says "Pray for anything and if you have FAITH you will receive it."

Some of you are probably thinking right now about Ian. You are probably thinking how can she feel so happy and blessed when her 1st child died?!? Let me tell you something...If it weren't for Ian Andy Ellis and the life lessons that he taught me I wouldn't be happy and blessed. I would be like everyone else. I would be obsessing over things that didn't matter and simply overlooking the blessings. However, now I see the blessings and am so grateful for what I have in this life here on Earth. That little boy is the number one reason I am able to feel happy and blessed. Do I miss Ian? Goodness yes! Missing Ian will never be over as long as I live on this earth and he lives with Jesus. But you know what? I have the hope of Heaven and I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'll be with him one day. But for now...I am here on this earth and I will make the most of every day I have here.

Asher's name means happy and blessed! Wae and I are as giddy as school girls over our healthy little boy and we cannot wait for his arrival. It's been a long four years and a long road of heartache to find this happy and blessed attitude we now have. However, Asher has brought back our happiness and our hope and it's such a good feeling. We are making plans for the future. Really?! That's what people do. We already have plans for his first Auburn game and we are over the moon about our healthy little boy starting his love for Auburn football. We can dream about when he'll go to Auburn and follow in his daddy's footsteps when we weren't able to have that dream for Ian. (Yes...I would rather it be Alabama but this is Wae's healthy little boy and Auburn he'll be. One day I'll have an Alabama cheerleader :) We can plan the toys to buy him for Christmas because he'll actually be able to PLAY!!! We can plan vacations with our friends and not have to worry about being sad because our little boy can't do what the other kids can do. We can plan for a future with Asher with hope and dreams and that feeling is AWESOME!!! We are so happy and blessed....

Tonight as I type to you I wonder...How many people reading this also feel happy and blessed? Or how many people reading this find something to complain about in their lives and be unhappy about when really you too have all the reasons to be happy and blessed as I have?!? How many of you are so obsessed with the mundane daily tasks of life that you forget to thank God and be humbled by the blessings He has given you. I know if God hadn't of broken me by the life I had with Ian I wouldn't have the happy and blessed attitude. However...God broke me in order to rebuild me to the person He wanted me to be and believe it or not I am thankful for the experience!!! I hope some of you are able to feel as happy and blessed as I do tonight and are able to thank God for your many blessings as you close your eyes tonight.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Other Side of Heartbreak...

Wae and I were asked by a local photographer to go to Birmingham yesterday late afternoon to be a "model" for a maternity session at a photography convention. Yes...this was way outside the box for us. We were standing in front of a classroom full of photographers and my belly was all hanging out and let's just say it was interesting. :) I couldn't believe Wae agreed to do this with no fight. Come to find out God had a plan for us yesterday at this convention and He had arranged all the details to fall into place.

While we were there we met a family who just lost their 17 month old little boy. He had a lot of health problems and about a month ago he passed away. He lived his entire life of 17 months in the hospital at Children's Hospital. (Yes...if you did the calculations he passed away Mother's Day weekend. Double whammy for this sweet young family!!!) They are in the throws of experiencing emotions you can't understand unless you yourself too have lost a child. They are in the middle of sleepless nights and long hard days when all you want to do is sleep. They are experiencing regrets and questioning every decision they made for their child. They are experiencing the hard times!!! The days when you can physically FEEL your heart breakiing every day that you don't get to see your child. People often say you can't feel heartbreak...well I'm here to tell you that you can feel heartbreak as if it's as real as slamming a glass plate to the ground and shattering it into a million pieces. Heartbreak is real and you can feel it in every joint of your body. It is EXHAUSTING!!!

As we were able to talk to the grandmother and dad of this sweet little boy who lived such a hard life we were reminded of the heartache you experience when you lost your child one month ago. He approached us by asking..."Do you have any advice for me?" we have some advice. The only problem can't think of it on the spot you know?!? There is so much I would love this family to know. I would love for them to know that well meaning people say the wrong things and you have to learn to overlook their comments. I want them to know that when people say "You'll be better one day. The pain won't always be there" that those people are right and wrong. The pain will always be there but it will be different. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't miss my sweet little Ian. However, I have learned how to live my new life without Ian and I now am able to function and live the new life that God wants me to live. Am I better nearly two years later...I guess it depends on who you ask, but I would say yes they are right. You do get better. However, the pain is still there, my heart is still broken, and I will always and forever miss my two year old son who now dances with the angels.

I would say we are nearing the other side of the heartbreak now. After talking with this family I could see that my emotions are so different now. The pain is not as fresh and my heart is slowing being welded back together. Are the cracks still there? Yes they are there and they will always be there. The pieces of my heart are simply glued back together and somedays the glue gets lose and some pieces start breaking again. However, MY GOD helps weld those pieces back together time and time again and He sustains me when I think I can't go on another day. So to that sweet dear family I met yesterday...your heart will day and God will carry you through to the other side.

As I sit here and type with my sweet healthy Asher kicking in my belly I praise God for yet another miracle in my life and I pray for the day when He can bring you to the point we are finally at. Much love and many prayers for your precious family!!


Sunday, June 12, 2011

Rhizo Kids Conference

The Rhizo Kids Conference has come and gone again for another year. Tracey Thomas and Tangie Collins took on this task and were in charge of the conference this year and they did an awesome job!!!

As we were preparing for the conference and getting swamped down with all the tasks that must be accomplished to pull it off I was getting discouraged and ready to give up my part of Rhizo Kids...again. I was extremely tired due to Asher :) and overly emotional and missing my sweet little Ian. THEN...I met the new family who attended our conference this year from Australia with their 5 month old little girl who is effected by RCDP and remembered why it is so important to continue our work with Rhizo Kids. The family was so overwhelmed and discouraged when they arrived to the conference but they left today with a renewed energy and love in their hearts as they fell in love with our Rhizo Kids family. We ARE NOT just an organization but a "family" bonded together by a disorder that has affected each of us in one way or another.

As I sat at the conference I thought and thought about how this is what I do to show Ian I love him. There are many things you are able to do for your children on a daily basis. You are able to attend school parties, help with their school activities, give them birthday parties, etc. The grandparents are able to attend their grandchildren's tball games, high school graduations and weddings and support their grandchildren in that way. Well...there aren't many things I can do now for my little Ian. As we all know he is in Heaven so I can't run him up to tball practice or throw him a swimming party with his friends. I would give anything to be able to do things to show Ian I loved him but I can't. His grandparents aren't able to attend school functions to show Ian how much they care and they aren't able to have slumber parties anymore with their little man. BUT...we can show our love for Ian through Rhizo Kids. This is all I can do now for Ian and Ian's legacy and I will not give up the fight for our cure!!

Our family and friends did so much this weekend to show thier love for Ian. They drove the boat, let us borrow their boats, cut up fruit, cooked and cleaned, brought breakfast meals, brought drinks and snacks, brought ice, helped take care of healthy kids and Rhizo Kids, and even gave me a surprise baby shower for Asher. I could never let you know what it means that we have friends and family willing to give up their whole weekend to help us out with this conference. Your kindness does not go unnoticed and your help says to me "We love Ian...we haven't forgotten Ian...and this is how we are supporting him and his memory." Thank you for selflessly donating your time and energy to Rhizo Kids.

News from conference...there is a drug used in The Netherlands called Batylalcohol. They have used this drug for years and there is some improvements noticed in the children. It is not a cure but a treatment. We have asked the doctor who coordinates this for those families if we can join her trial and we are VERY HOPEFUL that we will start this soon for our kids. It will be costly to fund this for all the Rhizo Kids but we will work our best to raise funds for this treatment. Praying this works out and our kids are able to start the treatment.

I will post pics soon after I edit them. Going to rest now. I am simply exhausted!!!