Wednesday, March 21, 2012

But what about my child?!?

I knew the day would come when Wae and I would watch the children Ian's age start getting involved in activities. I just didn't realize it would come so soon. I never know when it is going to hit me in the heart when they are doing new things but lately my heart has been a punching bag it seems. As I ride by the baseball fields somedays the tears just flow...I know the boys who were supposed to be in Ian's grade at school are starting to play ball this year for the first time. But little boy isn't out there too?!? How did that happen??? Oh yeah...he had RCDP and got robbed of the fun here with me and his daddy. The whole playing ball thing is one of the hardest for me to stomach. I don't know why but it just tears me up!

Before Ian was even born I put that sweet baby on the waiting list at the Early Learning Center in Centre so that when he was four years old he could start "school" The drawing was this week for which kids got into the school. All the moms went to hear if their kids got in or either they had someone listening for their sweet child's name. We can't do that either because our four year old is with Jesus...I never got to teach our sweet Ian his ABC's or how to count. I won't get to watch him go through the school programs this year with his sweet friends. How did this happen? What happened to all my dreams for my sweet boy?!? Oh yeah...RCDP again!!!

I try to focus on the good. I try to remain positive. I want to be upbeat but sometimes just sometimes I can't help but to have a hurting heart. I just miss that boy!!! I miss the Ian I dreamed of who was healthy and more importantly I miss the Ian I had who gave me so much in life. That sweet child of ours taught me so many lessons through his short life and for that I am grateful. I just can't help to grieve the child "I" had planned on for so many years. The child "I" had plans for with my friends who were having kids at the same time. The child"I" wanted so badly. I also can't help to grieve that child that God gave me...the one with so many special needs who was able to love me by snuggling and kissing. The one who couldn't hug my neck or tell me he loved me the normal way but was able to smile that smile and wipe away all my tears. He was so sweet...I miss him.

BUT because of that precious life changing Ian I enjoy Asher more than I ever would have. I take the time to swing outside with him when my house is a disaster. I go to bed with dirty bottles in the sink just so I can snuggle him to sleep. I stay in the bed longer in the mornings so he wakes up to my face and I can see him smile so big because he's laying with his mommy. I roll around in the floor acting a fool just to hear those giggles. I stroll him outside for hours because he loves it and I forget about the list of chores I have. I love him because of his big brother! I don't even think "I love him" gives justice to the way I feel about Asher. He makes me giddy...he makes my heart sing on those days when I see the boys playing baseball without Ian...he makes me laugh so hard I cry. He pulls my hair and I think it's precious because he CAN do it. I just love him....I love him....I love him so much it hurts :)

Enjoy the baseball games you are experiencing and all the hours of practice because the child you always dreamed of you got. Enjoy the homework (or try your best) because it means you have that child you dreamed of who can learn. God chose to bless you, just like he did us, with a healthy child so let's try to honor Him by doing the best job we can with the children he loaned us. What an awesome God we serve!!! I am humbled every day by his mercies....


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

From the outside looking in...

Wae and I took Asher to Memphis this past weekend. Asher was supposed to stay with my parents but my mom has been sick so he just tagged along with us. When we got into our room Wae was looking out the window. He said to me "Aren't you glad we're here instead of there this weekend?" I looked out the window to see a children's hospital. Wow...what a different perspective we have now.

From the outside of that hospital I was watching the cars go to and from and I was remembering what all I saw there. I remembered the innocent children who were suffering from Cancer, the ones who were so sick they couldn't respond, and the ones with genetic disorders who had so many problems to deal with. I remembered the hurting I had in my heart every time I went to Children's Hospital. I remembered the times Ian had surgeries there, the many doctor's visits, and those hard days of "sticking" him trying to draw blood. Oh the heartache!

From the outside looking in I was so saddened for the families who were having to experience those hard days at the hospital. Asher loved looking out the window at the cars riding by therefore I spent a lot of time looking at the hospital. I spent a lot of time praying for those families who were there. I don't know one person who was in that hospital but I do know the pain that goes along with that place. If I was awake with Asher at 3 am I prayed for those families whom I didn't know. I cried for those families whose hearts were hurting and I just felt so truly sad for them. That made me think...people were sad for me and people prayed for me. I now have a full heart that is overflowing with joy because of those prayers. I now have so much happiness that I can't contain it and it is because my Heavenly Father granted me my prayer....a healthy child.

So...I say this to you to thank you for praying for us. Thank you for being an instrumental part in our lives and thank you for not forgetting us. We once were the people in that hospital. The people who went to bed every night with a tear stained pillow. Now because of answered prayers we are experiencing a life I never knew could exist. A perfect life full of happiness.

I thank God so many times every day for these answered prayers. I then get so caught up in the fact that thank you isn't enough. I can't thank Him enough for what He's done. I can serve him though and try to bring other's to know Christ to show my thanks. So...that's what I'm doing. I'm serving my Savior by being involved in church more and trying to let my light shine so other's will want to know Him in the way I do. Life with Christ is so fulfilling and I'm so grateful for His many blessings.

Please join me in prayer tonight for those families at Children's Hospital.I know we don't know them but I can assure you they need all the prayers we can offer. My dad always said growing up..."But for the grace of God that would be us."

Asher news...he's still perfect in our eyes. A little spoiled yes but doesn't that just mean he's well loved?!? He is sitting up on his own now and plays with so many toys. He reaches for his favorites and falls a million times a day on his face. I'm thinking he earned his first black eye yesterday from falling. We'll see soon enough. He has learned to squeal like a little girl and it's soooo loud. Wish he'd stop that trick LOL. He can make that sound with his lips by pressing them together and blow bubbles everywhere. He is drooling like crazy and I am almost certain a tooth is about to pop through. He likes to sleep with us ( I know everyone has their own opinion here but this is what works best for us) He likes to have his hands on my face to sleep sometimes, sometimes he just wants to hold my hand and sometimes he just wants to snuggle. It's precious and it makes my heart happy. When he's 16 and on a date I'm sure I won't regret the sleepless nights I had with him holding my hand. Those will be my fondest memories for sure!!! I tell myself I am creating a mother/son bond that's so strong he'll love me as much as my daddy loves his mama. He's my joy!!! He said mama last week for the first time :) YAY...he has said it a few more times and three different people have witnessed it so it's real!!! Once heart is smiling. He smiles, he giggles, he cries, he squeals, he doesn't sleep much, he is eating us out of house and home, he has no clothes that fit, he splashes in his bath water, he goes nuts when his daddy comes home, he hugs and kisses me a lot, and HE IS NORMAL!!! I love it!!! Once again...going to bed with a big ole' smile on my face and a prayer of thanksgiving for answered prayers.