Monday, October 8, 2012

Is this real?!?

I am sitting in the bed with my two boys...Wae and Asher. They are asleep and momma can't calm her nerves. It's THE DAY I dread all year...October 9th. The day my first born went Home to Jesus...the day my heart was ripped from my chest...the day when all went wrong in the world...the day my very full arms were all of a sudden very empty. The day no mother should ever endure. The worst day of my life! I have relived THE DAY about three billion times over the past three years but when THE DAY is here I relive it even more. I remember Ian's special Nurse Kelly who was so gentle and smart. She knew he was leaving us and so delicately told us to prepare. Little did we know it would be within a few short hours. What a God-send she was! I remember our sweet therapist Kim coming and visiting with a frosty and Ian waking up for the first time in days to see her and eat his frosty. Oh how he loved his Ms.Kim! I remember four grandparents who loved their grandchild with all of their being...I remember making them tell him their good-byes the night before he died! I remember the heart wrenching emotions. I remember our friends...they visited, they called, they cried, they prepared a funeral for their friend's child, and they never left us through all the craziness. Our parents still love us even though we've made some big mistakes and probably said a lot of hurtful things. Our pain is so's unbelievable! We're sorry if we've hurt anyone...there isn't a book "How to bury your child and survive for dummies" I've been asked so many times..."How do you do it? How do you live without Ian?" I know people think this is cheesy but I tell you this from the bottom of my heart. I make it without Ian because my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ gives me new strength every day to survive one more day without Ian. I could not do this on my own strength. I am a weak momma whose child is not in her arms anymore. If I relied on my own strength to survive this loss I would probably be in the crazy house or suicidal. BUT...that's not me. I wake up each day with new hope because I know He will supply all my needs. When I'm down He sends something my way that cheers me up. It's amazing!!! Today my weak momma self wants to be sad and only focus on the negative. I want to have a pity party and cry all day. I want to sit down and scream WHY and be mean to anybody and everybody that says something wrong to me. Whew...aren't y'all glad I'm not my self!?! I am made new in Christ's image because I am saved by grace. So today through Him I am choosing to focus on the good. Three years ago today Ian was healed and made whole. He was given a new body. A body with no stippling, no cataracts, no contractures, no dislocated hips, no dwarfism, NO PAIN, no deafness, no blindness, no mental deficiencies, no heart problems, no medicine, no hernias, no oxygen, no hospice!!! He was given LIFE...Our sweet boy is singing right now at the feet of Jesus. What a glorious sight that must be. He is raising those hands and running with the energy of a vivacious 5 year old. I picture it...he looks like Asher and has as much energy as little brother has. This makes my heart smile through all the tears. You see when you have Christ as your Lord and Savior you have the hope of Heaven. And that my how I get through life without Ian. I know when I am called Home I will stand at the Pearly Gates and I will see my maker. I will rejoice that I have been called home and hope to hear "Well done my good and faithful servant!" I will hug Jesus and He will say..."Sweet Mary there is someone very special waiting to see you." And at that moment in time my little boy will run in to my arms and all will be made perfect! So for the time being I focus on what our interim pastor Brother Bob said a lot..."You better be well doing here to hear "Well done" when you get to Heaven." I am going to choose to "well do" today and make my Heavenly Father proud instead of living in depression. I am going to strive to win souls for Christ and live a life of purpose. Why don't you join me and let's change the world?!? Love to you all and we greatly appreciate your prayers today and every day as we try to live this life without Ian... Photobucket