Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Whew...I'm tired!

So, yes...I did go back to work LAST week and no I have not updated since I joined the workforce again. Let me tell ya'...I am wore out!!! I remember the first month of school always being so tiring when I used to work before having Ian. I guess being off for 3 years has spoiled me?!? Now, now...when I was Ian's stay at home mommy I had my fair share of "mommy duties" to do. I was working 24/7 and running on no sleep. That was exhausting. So...maybe it was these last 10 months without Ian and me being at home all by my lonesome is what spoiled me?!? I wouldn't say I am "spoiled" because I am living without Ian. It is right the opposite but you know what I mean?!? I have been able to sleep as late as I want, shop whenever I wanted, eat out lunch with Wae anyday I pleased, and be a total bum for the last 10 months. I have been grieving every second of every day but I was able to be a bum while I grieved at my own pace. Now...it's a different story.

Job news...it's great! I have a really sweet class. We are getting to know each other and we are adjusting just fine to one another. There is one little girl though who reminds me of Junie B. Jones for those teachers of you out there. You know how Junie B. calls her teacher Mrs. because she just likes Mrs. Well...I have a little girl who just calls me "teacher" and will not call me Ms.Mary. It is hilarious!!! She'll say "Teacher, teacher" and I'll say..."I don't see anyone named teacher in this room but I do know a teacher in here named Ms.Mary" 1st grade is a totally different world from 2nd grade. Whew...maybe that's why I'm so tired. They are so little and they are really still babies. I am having to adjust to that real quick...they can't tie their shoes, they can't open their ketchup, they can't really read yet, and a straight line...oh don't even get me started on a straight line. I'm not sure if they even know what a line is. LOL I can't even begin to imagine teaching Kindergarten!!! Hats off to all Kindergarten teachers out there...you're my heroes!!!

I have had many people asking about Team Ian's Extravaganza. We will be continuing Team Ian's Extravaganza because RCDP is still a dreadful, life-sucking condition that we haven't cured it. Until it is no longer in existence we will have Team Ian's Extravaganza. However, we will be moving the extravaganza to the spring. I can't pull it off this October. It will be too hard seeing that I have just started a new job and as the days draw closer to October 9th my heart breaks a little more each day. The dreaded day of one year since Ian danced on the streets of gold. Gut-wrenching for this momma's heart...I am thinking we will have the extravaganza in April...I know, I know what you're thinking "April showers bring May showers" That's what everyone said when we set our wedding date but guess what?!? It was gorgeous. I mean really...it's a 50/50 chance every day so we'll just roll the dice on this one. I think March is too cold and May is the end of school and crazy. So...April it is. I haven't decided the exact date yet. I will soon though. If you have any suggestions on dates please let me know so I don't interfere with any community or school activities. I want this to be the largest Team Ian's Extravaganza EVER!!! We are going to win this fight against RCDP one day...we just have to in Ian's memory!!! If you have any new suggestions or are wanting to volunteer already for a certain thing before it gets taken by another group you can email me at maryellis96@yahoo.com or at mellis@cherokeek12.org

I hope you are all doing great and I'll try to update again real soon.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Getting excited...

Tomorrow is the big day. My first day as a 1st grade teacher and I am getting so excited. I worked three days last week for teacher inservice days and I was able to get to know the teachers I will be working with. They were so helpful and that really helped me to get excited about going back to work.

We had meet your teacher night Thursday and I was able to meet all the kids and parents. I think I have a great class and I think this is going to be a turning point in our lives. Yay...feeling hopeful tonight and it feels good!

I have made cupcakes for my kids to welcome them back to school. I've prepared fun activities for the first day and I've got my lunch packed and ready to go. Their welcome to school activities are ready for them on their desks and newly sharpened pencils ready to go. A small part of me feels like what life used to be like. Maybe the good will finally start outweighing the bad in our life. We will forever have the cloud of sadness in our lives but I am hoping the cloud will get further and further from the focus of my every thought.

Tomorrow will be 10 months since Ian went to LIVE with Jesus. It has been 10 months of happiness for Ian. I can't even begin to imagine how awesome it would be to be living free of sickness and pain and to be healthy and whole. I know our little boy is completely perfect in the prescence of his Almighty Father and for that...I AM grateful! I miss you Ian Ellis but remember...I'll see you again one day and oh what a day that will be!!! Until then I'm sending hugs and kisses your way...

I tried to post pics of my classroom but it wouldn't work. They are on my facebook page though. Sorry...


Monday, August 2, 2010

Another first...

This week is the week I go back to work for the first time in almost 3 years. The emotions I am experiencing are overwhelming me. I never knew it would be this hard to go back to teaching. I have longed to be in the classroom since the day I realized I wouldn't have the option because I would have to care for Ian. I remember each year when school started back and I sat here with Ian I would just cry and cry because I wasn't back at school with all my friends doing what I love. I would quickly remind myself of how happy I was to be home another year with my precious Ian and those thoughts of missing school went away as quickly as they came.

I think I know why I am so upset about returning to work. In my mind this marks a new point in my life. The day school starts with the kids will be exactly 10 months since Ian went to live with Jesus...one week from today. I think in most people's eyes they think I will return to the old Mary when this happens. I think people all think it will just take me going back to work to return to life as Wae and I once knew it. I think in most people's eyes they think things will start falling into place like Wae and I being able to have a baby for example. I don't think there is any possible way that I can return to the old Mary at any point in this life. Ian IS our little boy and we live every day without him. The cold hard truth is that as you sit there reading this possibly holding your baby I will never have that chance again with Ian. I can't feel him holding my finger, I can't snuggle with him on the couch, and I can't rock him to sleep ever again. That pain will never go away. It is here to stay I'm afraid. But...I have to learn to find some kind of happiness in this life we have now. I hope and pray teaching is the first step at a glimmer of happiness.

There was a lady at church yesterday who just lost someone very dear to her heart 6 months ago. She said to me..."Mary it doesn't get easier does it?" I say..."No mam it doesn't get easier. If anything it gets harder." She says..."People say it gets easier." I say..."People lie! They are trying to make you feel better and they have no clue what they are talking about. I'm not going to sugarcoat it...It doesn't ever get easier!!!" It's the truth...the fact of the matter is when you love someone they are still a part of your life. Just because they are gone in body doesn't mean you can forget them and live your life the way you did before you knew them.

My heart's desire is obviously to be a mommy again. I don't know God's plan and I don't know why he isn't asnwering this prayer. I do know that his plan is greater than my plan and that he's got this! I pray every month that if it's not the month for a healhty child that I don't want to get pregnant. My prayer every day is for a healthy child or for a healthy herd of children. Please join me in this prayer...I don't want a child to replace Ian you all know that. I just want to be a mommy again...more than anything!

I am going to go back to work on Wednesday this week. I am going to go in with a positive attitude and with every hope that this will bring some happiness back into our lives. I am going to fall in love with all 18 of my kids and give them 110%. I AM going to be a teacher again. The option of me being Ian's mommy another year is gone now and it is time for me to find another purpose in this life. I know God is working in my life with where He has placed me for my first year back at teaching and with every person I will come in contact with. I know he has strategically placed people along this path who I will need and I'm ready to follow the path he has laid before me. Please flood the gates of Heaven this week and next for me to have the strength I so desperately need in order to follow this new path. Please pray I can find the good in every situation when many times I can only see the negative.

I added some pics of Ian from last August. What a cute little man!!!