Monday, August 2, 2010

Another first...

This week is the week I go back to work for the first time in almost 3 years. The emotions I am experiencing are overwhelming me. I never knew it would be this hard to go back to teaching. I have longed to be in the classroom since the day I realized I wouldn't have the option because I would have to care for Ian. I remember each year when school started back and I sat here with Ian I would just cry and cry because I wasn't back at school with all my friends doing what I love. I would quickly remind myself of how happy I was to be home another year with my precious Ian and those thoughts of missing school went away as quickly as they came.

I think I know why I am so upset about returning to work. In my mind this marks a new point in my life. The day school starts with the kids will be exactly 10 months since Ian went to live with week from today. I think in most people's eyes they think I will return to the old Mary when this happens. I think people all think it will just take me going back to work to return to life as Wae and I once knew it. I think in most people's eyes they think things will start falling into place like Wae and I being able to have a baby for example. I don't think there is any possible way that I can return to the old Mary at any point in this life. Ian IS our little boy and we live every day without him. The cold hard truth is that as you sit there reading this possibly holding your baby I will never have that chance again with Ian. I can't feel him holding my finger, I can't snuggle with him on the couch, and I can't rock him to sleep ever again. That pain will never go away. It is here to stay I'm afraid. But...I have to learn to find some kind of happiness in this life we have now. I hope and pray teaching is the first step at a glimmer of happiness.

There was a lady at church yesterday who just lost someone very dear to her heart 6 months ago. She said to me..."Mary it doesn't get easier does it?" I say..."No mam it doesn't get easier. If anything it gets harder." She says..."People say it gets easier." I say..."People lie! They are trying to make you feel better and they have no clue what they are talking about. I'm not going to sugarcoat it...It doesn't ever get easier!!!" It's the truth...the fact of the matter is when you love someone they are still a part of your life. Just because they are gone in body doesn't mean you can forget them and live your life the way you did before you knew them.

My heart's desire is obviously to be a mommy again. I don't know God's plan and I don't know why he isn't asnwering this prayer. I do know that his plan is greater than my plan and that he's got this! I pray every month that if it's not the month for a healhty child that I don't want to get pregnant. My prayer every day is for a healthy child or for a healthy herd of children. Please join me in this prayer...I don't want a child to replace Ian you all know that. I just want to be a mommy again...more than anything!

I am going to go back to work on Wednesday this week. I am going to go in with a positive attitude and with every hope that this will bring some happiness back into our lives. I am going to fall in love with all 18 of my kids and give them 110%. I AM going to be a teacher again. The option of me being Ian's mommy another year is gone now and it is time for me to find another purpose in this life. I know God is working in my life with where He has placed me for my first year back at teaching and with every person I will come in contact with. I know he has strategically placed people along this path who I will need and I'm ready to follow the path he has laid before me. Please flood the gates of Heaven this week and next for me to have the strength I so desperately need in order to follow this new path. Please pray I can find the good in every situation when many times I can only see the negative.

I added some pics of Ian from last August. What a cute little man!!!

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