Saturday, February 27, 2010

How to help someone who is hurting...

As a grieving mom I have been researching and researching about "How to help a grieving parent." When you lose someone you automatically become part of "the club." It is a club you do not want to be a member of. For example, we are a member of the "My child has died" club. As a result of this, people have begun to approach me who have lost loved ones because they know I can relate to their deep agonizing pain. Even though I can relate it is hard to find the words to say in each different situation. I have found a few things I really enjoyed reading and I have found things that have happened to me that made me so hurt. So...I thought I would share with you all how to help someone who is grieving.

Maybe you know someone whose mom or dad has died, whose child has died, whose spouse has died, whose sibling has died, who has gotten a divorce, who has went through bankruptcy, etc. Obviously some things are worse than other things to experience, but each scenario can cause serious grief.

When you are thrown into the dark world of grieving people like to put a "timeline" on your grief. I am here to strongly tell you...THERE IS NO TIMELINE FOR A PERSON GRIEVING. Do not expect a person to be "over it" or "better" in a month, in six months, in a year, or ever in some cases. So if you are truly caring about a person experiencing trauma in their lives do not "expect" them to be over it in a certain amount of time. Some things just can't be put on a timeline...

Keep your words simple. For example...try not to say things like "His time was up." "He is better off now." "Time will heal all your pain" Actually...the person grieving thinks their loved one would have been better off living a lifetime of wonderful with them and they probably have the feeling that time will never HEAL their pain. It might ease up on some days, but it will never be gone.

What to say to someone who is heartbroken..."I'm sorry." "I've been thinking about you." or my personal favorite is "You know what I loved about Ian..." Don't try to explain reasons why you are sorry when someone has lost their parents or child or sibling. Just simply say "I'm sorry." Also, don't try to forget about their loved one who has died. Talk about the person and tell the family what you loved about their loved one. You can sit with them and just hug them or pat their leg. Just be there for them and don't make it about you. Don't say..."I understand you know. My cat died last week and it's just so hard to live without her." I mean really...there is no comparison there! However...people do this!!!

When a person is grieving the loss of a child I know the emotions are out of control. I am sure it is the same way when you lose a parent or another close family member. However, I don't have experience in that area. Thank you Jesus! My emotions drain me on certain days and I have no energy to worry about mundane things in life. I know I do things that seem outrageous to others in my process of grieving but those outrageous events are what I want I to do right now. No explanations available for some emotions I have...they are just there. As the support system of someone grieving this is the time you are supposed to support the grieving person. This is not the time for you to judge them or become angry with them, but it is the time for you to stand by them and love them like you always have. This may be one of the most difficult tasks for the support system involved with the grieving person. To have this support from people shows unconditional love.

Be there...don't leave them and forget about them because you are worried about what to do or say. Hold your friend when they are so sad that they can't stand to even get up off the couch. Hold your grieving friend as she cleans out her child's bedroom and packs up memories in rubbermaid boxes. If you have a grieving friend and you really want to help them send them a card saying "I love you," send a personal gift of something the two of you enjoy doing together, or call her up and say I'll be there at 6:00 with dinner for you. Go out of your way to do extraordinary things for the grieving person and don't forget them after a few weeks or months and think they are better. Odds are things are much worse now than they were in the beginning. Just love them and show them you love them.

One way you all show me you love me is by the posts on my blog encouraging me and pushing me to get up each day. By participating in my silly debates and helping us to understand our questions we have about why things happen. Some of you still send me cards to this day and I think it's awesome there are actually people in the world who do that. I need to do better at that!

Don't dodge the grieving person when you see them. Hug them...say I'm sorry and I am thinking about you.

It's hard to know how to handle a grieving person if you have never been through a situation to cause grief for yourself. It's even hard for us to know how to approach a grieving person and everyone would think we would know what to say. It's always hard to know what to say though. That's why I thought I would share with you what I have read. And when in doubt...the less said is usually best.

I hope this helps you all to know how to handle the grieving people in your lives.


Friday, February 26, 2010

Do good people DESERVE good things???

Ok...we have been having a little debate around our house lately and I am going to open up the debate for Ian's Reason to get involved. I would love for someone much smarter than myself in the word to show me scripture based arguments for your side of the debate.

I'm not going to tell you who is on which side. I am just going to throw some arguments out there and wait for your opinions. I hope some of these opinions are based on the word of God.

Here good people DESERVE good things? Well maybe you are thinking "describe a good person." Generally I'd say a good person is one who isn't stealing, isn't murdering people, goes to church and lives the life God wants them to live, honest and trustworthy, caring and kind towards others, etc. You got the picture yet?

We have been "researching" about this topic and the things I have found have blown me away. I discovered that according to God's good word there are no GOOD people. What??? Are you serious. can read it right here in Romans 3:9-19 "There is none righteous,not even one;there is none who understands, there is none who seeks God.....There is none who does good,there is not even one." Not even one??? Really...are you thinking like myself right now..."God must have forgotten about me. I mean I'm a relatively good person." The research I have found described this as "public decency." Ha...I guess you could also describe it that way but I like to think of it as a good person.

So...I want you to think about it. Our situation for instance...A young married couple has a baby who they would love and take care of with the best of them. Has a terminally ill child and child dies. Does this family DESERVE a healthy child? Does this family DESERVE some happiness in their life? Or maybe it is the family who the parent has had cancer and has lost the dad. Does this family DESERVE some happiness thrown their way? Or maybe it is a young divorced Godly woman who has been through trial after trial with health problems and leaving a husband who wasn't the man she needed. She seeks the Lord and lives for him. Does she not DESERVE a good Godly man?

I would love for you guys to help us understand this scenario. I think a lot of people out there have the same debate going on in their heads and I think it would be awesome to have a scriptual debate right here on Ian's Reason.

Do good people DESERVE good things? Do bad people DESERVE good things or bad things? Are any of us good....according to Romans 9 we aren't???

So go get our your bibles and dig in. Share what you find on here so everyone can learn from this debate. You can sign the guest book by choosing "anonymous." Just remember to put your name at the end of your entry so we know who wrote it. Good luck studying for your side of the debate. I can't wait to read your findings.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Getting back to life...

It has been an entire week since I updated. I have had emails asking if I was ok or if something was wrong. Just getting back to living life around here and WOW how I forgot what it was like to "live."

Some of you may understand what I am saying and some of you precious souls have never known heartbreak and you don't have a clue what I am saying. If that is the case for you count yourself blessed. For the past two years everyone knows my life revolved around Ian. My "living" was kind of in the background of my life but put on pause for long periods of time. Some random days I would press "play" and live a little in the slow motion mode but I never truly lived "my" life. I was living life for Ian. Praise God I was able to do that. I have not one single regret from the time I had with Ian and for that I am thankful. Then immediately after he died I couldn't live. I mean heart and soul had left me and you seriously expected me to enjoy life here without him. Now though our new "normal" is seeming more and more normal and we are making it better each and every day. My heart still aches uncontrollably and my arms yearn for my little Ian but I try to focus on the here and now and the future and not what I am missing out on.

With that said our new "normal" is busy guys...I am working and I am LOVING it!!! The kids are the most precious kids and I so love being back with the teachers I love. I am starting to exercise again with my long lost workout buddy I had before Ian was born and it feels great. Ok...we have only done it once but we are starting right?!? I am starting another new job adventure this week with some teacher friends and that will be painting pottery. We paint kids feet and hands and make precious pottery with different themes on it. Wae and I are venturing out with friends more and doing things we once enjoyed. We went to Birmingham this weekend and saw my sorority sisters who I love so much and never get to see. We had a wonderful time and were so glad to share memories. We rode 4 wheelers Sunday and had the time of our lives. That was until we had a minor accident which resulted in the 4 wheeler laying on my leg. It was headed towards my head and I was flipping out..."Wae it is about to hit my head. HELP!!!!" Needless to say...I won't be going back. I came out without a broken let after the 4 wheeler was laying on it and the only way that can be explained is God's grace! Thank you Jesus!!! Today is my off day and I will be spending it with my precious nephew Owen. We "borrowed" him for a few days from my brother and Kyla so we could enjoy his cuteness. Can't wait to go to Nonnie's and play.

Well, I better get busy so I can go spend the day with Owen. He can sit up now and smile and laugh and babble and when he gets really upset with you he can poke that lip out furthur than I've ever seen a kid poke a lip. It is hilarious and heartbreaking all at the same time.

I'll try my best to write back soon....


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Things are looking up...

It is 8:00 on Wednesday night Feb.17 and I have a smile on my face. A real smile...not one of those fake ones we have all flashed all too often. I can actually feel a little piece of happiness brewing in my soul and guess what?!? It feels good!

You want to know why I am smiling inside and out tonight? Is the suspense killing you? I bet a lot of you think I'm pregnant right about now. Hahaha...fooled ya'! I'm not pregnant. So the other half of you are thinking we are adopting a child. Nope...not that either. I am smiling inside and out tonight because I got a job. Whoa!!! read it right. I got a job and not just any job. I got a job at the one and only CES!!! The school where I taught before Ian was born. The school where all my friends are and the place where I feel at home. I am so happy y' happy!

My position is a graduation coach. I will only be working 18 hours a week and I have a flexible schedule. I mean could it sound any better. I will be working with kids as a mentor. I might work with kids who are struggling in reading or math, or kids who have behavior problems, or with kids who simply need an adult to talk to. I think I will love this position and I am so hopeful for what it will bring to my life. A new direction....

Wow...I am overwhelmed by the people asking me to speak at their churches, to their youth groups, and to ladies groups. I promised God..."If you bring us through this I promise I will honor You through our story." He isn't forgetting that promise evidently. I am going to try and post a column on the blog with all of the information about future speaking engagements so if you are in one of those towns you can come and hear me. A lot of people have been upset because they didn't know I was speaking somewhere and they weren't able to make it. You all know it all if you have kept up with our story but I'll share it again. I love to talk about Ian and you all know that. : ) I am really not cut out for public speaking but I made the promise so here goes....following God's plan!

Well I better go. I have a popcorn box to make for my new "office" at school. Can you believe it?!? I have an "office." I am pumped about being a working woman again and even more pumped about being at CES. Can you tell???

Have a blessed day tomorrow and know that your prayers for a weeping 26 year old brokenhearted mommy are working. They are working and I feel them at this very moment. I think you are all awesome!

New pic of Ian...I think tonight he is saying..."Go mommy go! Get out there and do a good job! I knew you would do it...I just knew it! Hey guys...that's MY mommy." Oh how I love him and miss him dearly.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (The Message)
"Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you."


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

What's in a name...

Good morning! The sun is shining in my window this morning and I am going to embrace it. It may only be 21 degrees outside, but from the inside looking out it looks like a lovely day. "This is the day that the Lord hath made...I will rejoice and be glad in it!"

I have been working in Ian's room a lot lately. I had to clean out more of his things and organize a little deeper in there. Not a fun task to say the least. I am having a quilt made from some of Ian's clothes. How awesome will that be to have our little guy's clothes to wrap up in? I am not using all of them. Don't worry...I have plenty left that will not be cut to pieces so that I can always remember just how small he was and of course how good of a dresser he was. LOL! As I have been rummaging through memories I found something that meant a lot to me. A friend of ours painted a sign for Ian's room with the meaning of his name on it. The sign was painted in the colors to match his room and it said..."God is gracious."

Irony anyone??? When Wae and I were told we were having a little boy we agonized over the name we would choose for him. You Wae's family the man's name has been handed down for generation after generation. We decided to carry on the name "Andy" but to choose a new first name. Ironic??? We didn't use the family name and we were blessed with a special child with a limited life expectancy??? Anyhow...we had many names to choose from but I was focused on the "meaning" of each name. The final two choices were "Aidan" meaning fiery and "Ian" meaning God is gracious. That was the deciding factor. The meaning....We felt God had been so gracious to us in our life...we had good jobs, a nice home, good families, good friends, faith, and we were expecting a child. What a blessing. Little did we know a few months later how our faith would be tested through our little blessing Ian. (Just a sidenote...the name Aidan meaning fiery could have matched his little personality perfectly. Just sayin'...he was a little spitfire!)

So...I say all of this to you to pose the question "What's in a name?" Does a name really mean something or is it "just a name." I know that after all we have been through in the past 2 1/2 years we still feel as though God is gracious. Very gracious...look at all the good that came from Ian! Rhizo Kids, stronger marriage, closer friends, closer family, stronger faith, me speaking at churches and sharing my faith with others, and a greater appreciation of blessings in life. I mean really...God IS gracious! He didn't have to bless us so much, but he did because he IS gracious.

As we dream of having future kids I have already started the hunt for the perfect name. Yes...the old Mary is coming back. I am planning ahead and dreaming and being hopeful of the blessings God has in store for our family. I already agonize over the name and I'm not even pregnant and we aren't adopting anytime soon. I guess it is kind of silly, but it gives me something to look forward to. So, just for fun...look up the meaning of your name or your kids names and see if the meaning really has meaning for you or if it's just a name.

Well, I better go. Dirty dishes and dirty clothes are screaming out my name this morning. I'll be heading out soon to get Ian's quilt made and I am so excited about it! This has been a project I have worked on for months and I so hope it turns out the way I am hoping it will. Talk to ya later.....................

Attached a cute picture of Ian today...As I look at it I can't help but wonder..."Do you think Ian's hair is that crazy in Heaven or do you think it actually lays down flat?" Just a thought.......


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Meeting my hero...

Good morning! What a really hasn't been the best week ever. I quite possibly had the worst birthday of my life and things were just not going the way they do on birthdays. I really could have used some noisemakers to scare off those evil spirits and bad thoughts. LOL!!!

My cousin and a sorority sister emailed with great news though. Beth Moore was going to be in Birmingham doing a book signing for her new book. Woo-hoo!!! So...I asked Wae to take me and what do you know he agreed. YAY!!! So...we headed out to meet the one person in the world I would cut my right arm off to meet. (Ok maybe I wouldn't cut my right arm off, but you can see how badly I wanted to meet her.)

We got there and there were a couple hundred women if not more giggly, squeeling, and just as excited as I was. Hold mean other people love her as much as I do??? I thought I was going to be the only one there so giddy, but boy oh boy was I wrong. It was more excitement than the day after Thanksgiving sales if you can believe it.

I got my number and it was 175. I was told to wait. So we waited...and waited...and waited...Then the announcement came on..."If your number is after 150 you probably won't be able to meet Beth. You can hang around and see but she has to leave for another engagement." Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! I almost cried for real. I mean I was staring at her for 2 hours and then the possibility of meeting her was being ripped out from under me. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Long story short...I got to meet her. I handed her a picture of Ian and said "I am Mary Ellis. Ian Ellis' mom. He passed away 4 months ago." She then remembered me writing her and she gave me the biggest hug ever! It was awesome...really awesome! She signed my book and kept telling me "Christ WILL carry you." She even wrote that in my book. I just knew she would remember me and Wae was like "Mary don't have your hopes up. There is no way she can remember you." He was floored when he saw the look on her face. You could really tell she remembered. It was awesome! I am now even more obsessed with her. HA!

Well, today is a day of chores of doing things I have been putting off. I still have a Christmas wreath on my front door. Does anyone relate to that??? I have all the decorations down Christmas night but not the wreath. It was the wreath we had at Ian's funeral and I now change out the items on it for each holiday. So...I am going to hobby lobby today to get new decorations for my wreath. I love having something of Ian on my door. Got to buy groceries and get ready just in case we have some snow. HA! Not happening I know but why not be prepared?


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Four months of tears...

Four months ago today our precious little Ian left our arms and ran to Jesus. Four months ago today our best friend died and we faced the harsh reality that we would never hold him again. Four months ago today Ian broke off a piece of my heart that I will never get back and I'm here to tell you this is a road you never want to travel!!!

"I can't even imagine how hard it is to lose a child!" "I could never pretend to know your hurt." "I don't know how you wake up each day and get out of the bed." "How do you do it Mary?"

These are words I hear every day now. I have heard them so much that I thought today I would give you a glimpse of just how hard it really is to live after your child has died and taken an enormous piece of your heart with him. This entry will be brutally honest and talk about feelings that some of you may not want to know. If you think you can't handle the honest gut-wrenching emotions of living life as a mom without a child then I suggest you quit reading now. However, if you really want to know what it is like to live as a mom without a child then go ahead and open yourself up to some very raw emotions.

I anticipate the 9th of every month because it is the "anniversary" of when Ian left my arms and went to LIVE in Heaven with his maker. For about a week leading up to the 9th I am in a horrible mood because I know good and well the emotions I will face on "the day" of the 9th of each and every month. I will replay in my head all day what happened on "that day." It was a Friday afternoon of a week that would soon be known as Ian's last week of life. I think to myself..."What could I have done different?" "Should I have put him in the hospital?" "Did he suffocate on my shoulder because of the way I was holding him?" "Did I fight hard enough for my little boy or did I just let him die?" "I am not worthy to live God...I am not worthy!!!"

Feelings of a mom who has to live on this dreadful earth without her one and only child:
*No reason to live...I mean really think about it. I gave up everything for Ian. I quit my job and for some reason I can't get another one. I spent every waking moment with Ian and now he is gone and I don't know how to "live" without him here to live for.
*Tears...I will be sitting here and out of nowhere tears start pouring down my face. I wasn't even crying or sad at that exact moment and tears....they just come out of nowhere and flow down my cheeks.
*Emotions on your shoulder...Wow, you really can't imagine how hard this one is. I don't want to be so emotional but the smallest thing gets me these days. I am emotionally vulnerable and at every second of the day I am one step away from falling off the tight rope I am walking on. The smallest thing can cause me to fall and when I do fall it is hard to get the strength to get back up on that rope and try again.
*Exhaustion...the grief of losing a child wears you out! You can't sleep...all you can do is can't sleep...all you can do is sleep. It's a cycle!
*Become a good actress/actor...It consumes my every thought and you better believe I am good at hiding it. You'd never know by hanging around me that as we are talking my every thought is revolving around my little boy who died 4 months ago. I will "act" like I am fine but inside I am broken.
*Have to worry about others grieving Ian too...I know other people who cared for Ian are grieving too but right now I can only worry about Wae and myself. We are fighting to survive at this point and that's all I can handle. He was my one and only child and this is HARD to live every day without him. I have to worry about us first and not about others at this point and time.
*Overwhelmed...I thought I had prepared myself for this day since I have always known Ian would die but boy oh boy was I wrong! You could never prepare yourself for these emotions. Never!!!
*Typical emotions we have every day...can't sleep, want to sleep all day, mood swings, exhaustion, extreme anxiety, intense sadness and pain, headaches, inability to concentrate, loneliness like you could never imagine!
*Can I make it another day???...yes there are days when just to be brutally honest I could care less if I lived another day on this earth! I am not saying I am suicidal...I am not!!! : ) I am saying you lose your lose your lose everything that at one point and time you knew. You are lost and looking for new direction from God
*Eat, can't eat, eat the whole house, throw up if I, eat, eat!!! This is the worse because it causes a whole new set of emotions when you become so fat that none of your clothes fit and it's all your fault because you are taking your heartache out on your weight and an obsession with chocolate and cake. LOL!

This list only tips the iceberg of the emotions we are faced with every day. Yes, we seem to be "fine" "ok" "good" "making it." But you know what??? This is a situation where you really don't want to know how I am. Trust me on that one!

I hope this entry helped you to understand a very small piece of my heart these days. You really can't imagine how hard a day in the life of a mom who isn't a mom anymore really is.


Monday, February 8, 2010

Happy Birthday to me...

Good Morning! Today is my birthday and I guess it is kind of bittersweet. I posted pics of last years birthday and I did just what I wanted to do. Snuggled with my little boy. I have always loved birthdays (as you all know by how many we celebrated with Ian.)But today I am just in a bad place. I miss Ian so much today and I suppose it is because it's my birthday. It's a day when people want to give you what you want and you make wishes for things. Well...the only thing I want is LIVING in Heaven with Jesus and the angels and no one can grant my wishes. Oh what I would give if the only thing on my wish list this year was a new shirt or a new pair of shoes.

We have been celebrating my birthday since Friday. Wae took me out on a date and we went to eat a yummy steak and turtle cheesecake. Then we went to see Dear John but lucky Wae it was sold out. he'll just have to take me back to see it. Then Saturday we were still celebrating with all of our friends. We went bowling and to eat at Mellow Mushroom. It was a lot of fun even though I was absolutely horrible at bowling. Sunday my mom cooked birthday lunch with my favorite cake and my brother and Kyla brought Owen to wish me a happy birthday. It was great to love on him. And is finally my birthday and guess what I am doing??? the house...and having a job interview. Boo! What a stinky birthday. I guess the days leading up to it count for the good of the birthday though. : )

When you read the next part of today's entry you will think I am such a dork. I researched last night the origin of birthday celebrations and I was very interested in what I found. I discovered that thousands of years ago birthdays were considered a time when the bad spirits as opposed to the good spirits were able to harm you as this day changed a person's life. It was believed that the only way to keep the bad spirits at bay was to have your friends and family around you so that their good wishes and present giving would keep them at bay. Wow...maybe that is why I am in such a bad place today. The bad spirits are trying to get me since it's my birthday. LOL!

I also read that noisemakers are thought to be used at parties as a way of scaring away the evil spirits. Now we're talking...I just might go invest in some noisemakers and blow my little heart out scaring the evil spirits away from our house. Bahahaha....what do you think Wae would think if he came home and I was sitting in the garage blowing a noisemaker??? I think he'd think..."Well the day has finally come. She is officially a mental case and it's time to admit her to the mental institute." Hahaha. I'm not going to don't worry, but it is a funny thought you have to admit.

Now to the part of granting our wishes. The custom of lighting candles originated with people believing that the gods lived in the sky and by lighting candles and torches they were sending a signal or prayer to the gods so they they could be answered. When you blow out the candles and make a wish this is another way of sending a signal and a message. I guess it's a cool thought to read this and learn how it all originated. I don't know about you, but if I had to have a birthday candle lighting ceremony to send a prayer to God I'd be in trouble. As many prayers as I pray a day we'd have a problem around here. : ) It is fun to learn the origin of things though so I thougth I'd share it with all of you. So next time you celebrate your birthday remember these tips and go invest in you some crazy noisemakes to scare off those evil spirits lurking around. Just for fun...what could it hurt, huh???

Well, I better go get busy finishing the laundry and cleaning the house. I have to get ready today and have yet another job interview. Maybe since it's my birthday I'll get the job this time. Maybe, just maybe!

FYI...those of you wanting to know how to post a comment. Where it says "Post a comment" under my entry. You type in what you want to say and post it as anonymous. Just be sure to sign your name at the bottom of your post so I know who did it. : ) Anyone can sign in using anonymous and you don't have to have a special account. Give it a try...


Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Sunday morning I spoke at our church about heartbreak. Obviously I was speaking about being brokenhearted about Ian dying. Three days later I sit at my computer writing to all of you about heartbreak. I am so broken...since my message Sunday a couple of personal things have happened in my life that have caused me to be crushed in spirit and completely and totally broken all over again. Back to square one folks...

Not only am I broken because I sit here this morning with empty arms longing to hold my little boy but I also sit here this morning weeping because I am being pressed on all sides with trials and this time maybe I'm not strong enough to come out on the otherside. Maybe this time I don't want to count it all "joy" (James 1:2)Maybe this time I don't have such a Christian attitude about life. Maybe this time the bitterness will creep in and find a place to live in my soul and I won't be able to kick it out. Maybe this time I'll give in and wallow for the rest of my life on earth....

So...I am going to preach my sermon from Sunday right here hoping it will remind me what "heartbreak" is all about and what I am "supposed" to do! Long story short the only way to heal a broken heart is with our Heavenly Father. We have to pray and tell Him about our heartbreak and ask Him to use His healing touch on our hearts. (Problem is right now I don't want Him meddling with my heart! I am way too hurt right now.) I explained that God will stay with us no matter how long it takes to heal our hearts. Well...let me tell ya'....that's good news. I don't know about you but it's gonna' be a long time before this heart of mine is healed. Or maybe it's gonna' be a long time before I'm READY for this heart of mine to be healed. That's a thought...hmmmm!!! A main point of my message Sunday was that we had to allow God to work in our lives and our in our hearts to heal us. Not so sure this morning if I'm ready to ALLOW Him to start working. I'd like a little time to be mad please! Does anyone relate here???

"Be encouraged. God sees your tears. Cry them, wipe them, feel them, but don't let them stop you. It's possible to cry and walk!" And there's the saying...the one that gets me every time I read it. It's ok for me to be mad and sad and broken. It's ok for me to cry my eyes out until I have no tears left. It's ok for me to tear my house apart because I am irritated at the world. It's ok as long I don't let those tears stop me. I have to keep walking. Cry and walk...cry and walk...cry and walk. UGH!!! I know this is what I need to do, but sometimes I'd like a little time to wallow. Anybody else feel that way???

The last point of my message was to create an if/then statement. I learned this in Beth Moore's Esther Bible study. When I learned about this my if/then was "If Ian dies, then I'll die!" "If Ian dies then I'll never have a reason to live again." "If Ian dies then I'll never smile again." She encouraged us to change our "then" to "my God will take care of me." mine is "If Ian dies then my God will take care of me." This morning there is something personal weighing on my heart and I have to remind myself that "If....then my God will take care of me." I have to allow Him in though to do the healing that only he can do. I'm just so MAD right now that I can't let him work in me. I have to forgive and forget about what is happening but I'm not so good at that. Is it really possible to "forget?" I mean really can anyone forget??? In time time....

Well I'm gonna' take my heartbreak and go wallow in a different room this morning. : ) Just might get in the car and go buy a butterfinger and coke to eat for breakfast. Maybe that would help heal the heartbreak and add a few extra pounds to this body of mine.

I'm going to end with a prayer this morning that I need to pray and truly mean from the depths of my soul. Maybe one of you needs this prayer too...
"Lord I lift to you the situations of my life that concern me. I lay my worries before you and ask for Your mighty intervention to show me what's right when I can only see what's wrong. I am determined to see the good, so help me not be blinded by my own fears, doubts, wants, and preconceived ideas. I ask You to reveal to me Your truth in ever situation. Give me your perspective. Bless me with the ability to understand the bigger picture and to distinguish the valuable from the unimportant. When something seems to go wrong, help me not to jump to negative conclusions. Enable me to recognize the answers to my own prayes. I trust You to help me see the light in every situation."

Please pray for me to allow God to deal with my heartbreak. I hate feeling so broken!

RCDP kids...there are a lot of Rhizo Kids sick right now and it is serious sick!!! Jordyn is in the hospital and having a very important test done this morning. she is having to be put to sleep and her parents are very worried. Jackson is having a lot of issues with his fluid build up and poor Tracey is about at her wit's end. Ethan is still fighting off a bacteria that he has been fighting for months. Please pray for their families as they are in the middle of heartbreak too.