I am doing a new bible study. Beth Moore has out a new study about James. We are just now in session three and last night she simply spoke to my heart. I have said so many times...."I can't explain it. I have went through one of the worst tragedies a mother could ever experience. I have buried my child...I have a hole in my heart where he took a huge piece of me but somehow I'm happy. Somehow I have joy in my life." These words were even spoken during the life of Ian, during the death of Ian, and during the grieving of Ian. I myself have always known it was MY GOD who was giving me the joy. However, I didn't know bible verses to back up my thoughts and I didn't know exactly how to express what God was doing for me. I knew it was him though...I knew it. You know that peace that passes all understanding. The peace and contentment that only He can bring during the storm.
I now have verses...I now have my new motto. Psalm 30:11-12 says "You turned my wailing into dancing;you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Wow...He did this for me. For undeserving little ole' me. The girl who questioned "Why?" so many times. The girl who spent days without even talking to Him. He turned my nights of tears into dancing! I now am so happy that I seriously cannot contain it somedays. Sackcloth referred to clothes worn as a sign of mourning. In my eyes I can see the XL jogging pants and XL sweatshirt I wore all day every day....he turned all that depression, all that sadness, all those tears into JOY!!! I have joy...if you don't have it you should find God! He gives you joy...and it's an indescribable joy!
I can't stop at that verse...I'm sorry. She got me this week! John 16: 20-24 says "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. (THIS WAS THE HARDEST PART TO ME...HOW COULD THE WORLD GO ON?!? I LOST MY BABY BOY!!!) You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy (WHOA!!! JOY...MY SWEET ASHER WHOM I LOVE SO DEARLY BECAUSE OF MY SWEET IAN!) A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you; Now is your time of your grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. Oh me...grief turns to joy!
She then read from one of my favorite books written by a mom whose baby girl now lives with Jesus. She read from the book and I couldn't hold back the tears. This mom gets it. She knows how it feels to lose a child...how it feels to bury a child...how it feels to lose that piece of your heart. She described a moment in time like this "Grief and joy danced together as if they had a right to." You see...after listening to these verses grief and joy coexist if you trust God with your anguish. I did trust God...I gave him every worry. And do you know what He did for me?!? He gave me JOY!!! He far surpassed what I thought he would do. I can't describe the joy we now have in our lives. But I know can show you in the bible that God gave me my joy out of our anguish and grief. I write this to say...if you are in anguish over something hand it to God because Joy and Anguish coexist and HE will take care of you!!!
Now my sweet and precious Asher....he's a mess! He is rolling now. (PRECIOUS!) He wants to stand up all the time. He'll sit then nope he wants to stand. He is almost sitting up on his own and he has a personality to die for. He knows he's loved, he knows he's cute, and he definitely knows he's the center of attention. He smiles all the time and it's not just with his lips. His whole body smiles and melts everyone's heart. He is a nosy booger and doesn't let anything get by him. He talks a lot! He loves to play in his walker and he can play with toys. For real...he likes to play. He has learned to blow bubbles and can do that indian call :) when I pat my hand on his mouth. He gives me and hugs and kisses when I say love mama and he's my JOY! Jesus said...he would turn my anguish into joy and that He did. If you don't know Him I suggest you start reading the bible and discovering how awesome he really is!!! Without Him in my life I would be the mom who lost her child who was still depressed, sleeping all day and missing out on all the miracles in my life. Don't be that person!!! Discover your joy...