Wednesday, March 21, 2012

But what about my child?!?

I knew the day would come when Wae and I would watch the children Ian's age start getting involved in activities. I just didn't realize it would come so soon. I never know when it is going to hit me in the heart when they are doing new things but lately my heart has been a punching bag it seems. As I ride by the baseball fields somedays the tears just flow...I know the boys who were supposed to be in Ian's grade at school are starting to play ball this year for the first time. But little boy isn't out there too?!? How did that happen??? Oh yeah...he had RCDP and got robbed of the fun here with me and his daddy. The whole playing ball thing is one of the hardest for me to stomach. I don't know why but it just tears me up!

Before Ian was even born I put that sweet baby on the waiting list at the Early Learning Center in Centre so that when he was four years old he could start "school" The drawing was this week for which kids got into the school. All the moms went to hear if their kids got in or either they had someone listening for their sweet child's name. We can't do that either because our four year old is with Jesus...I never got to teach our sweet Ian his ABC's or how to count. I won't get to watch him go through the school programs this year with his sweet friends. How did this happen? What happened to all my dreams for my sweet boy?!? Oh yeah...RCDP again!!!

I try to focus on the good. I try to remain positive. I want to be upbeat but sometimes just sometimes I can't help but to have a hurting heart. I just miss that boy!!! I miss the Ian I dreamed of who was healthy and more importantly I miss the Ian I had who gave me so much in life. That sweet child of ours taught me so many lessons through his short life and for that I am grateful. I just can't help to grieve the child "I" had planned on for so many years. The child "I" had plans for with my friends who were having kids at the same time. The child"I" wanted so badly. I also can't help to grieve that child that God gave me...the one with so many special needs who was able to love me by snuggling and kissing. The one who couldn't hug my neck or tell me he loved me the normal way but was able to smile that smile and wipe away all my tears. He was so sweet...I miss him.

BUT because of that precious life changing Ian I enjoy Asher more than I ever would have. I take the time to swing outside with him when my house is a disaster. I go to bed with dirty bottles in the sink just so I can snuggle him to sleep. I stay in the bed longer in the mornings so he wakes up to my face and I can see him smile so big because he's laying with his mommy. I roll around in the floor acting a fool just to hear those giggles. I stroll him outside for hours because he loves it and I forget about the list of chores I have. I love him because of his big brother! I don't even think "I love him" gives justice to the way I feel about Asher. He makes me giddy...he makes my heart sing on those days when I see the boys playing baseball without Ian...he makes me laugh so hard I cry. He pulls my hair and I think it's precious because he CAN do it. I just love him....I love him....I love him so much it hurts :)

Enjoy the baseball games you are experiencing and all the hours of practice because the child you always dreamed of you got. Enjoy the homework (or try your best) because it means you have that child you dreamed of who can learn. God chose to bless you, just like he did us, with a healthy child so let's try to honor Him by doing the best job we can with the children he loaned us. What an awesome God we serve!!! I am humbled every day by his mercies....


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