Is this real?!?

I am sitting in the bed with my two boys...Wae and Asher. They are asleep and momma can't calm her nerves. It's THE DAY I dread all year...October 9th. The day my first born went Home to Jesus...the day my heart was ripped from my chest...the day when all went wrong in the world...the day my very full arms were all of a sudden very empty. The day no mother should ever endure. The worst day of my life! I have relived THE DAY about three billion times over the past three years but when THE DAY is here I relive it even more. I remember Ian's special Nurse Kelly who was so gentle and smart. She knew he was leaving us and so delicately told us to prepare. Little did we know it would be within a few short hours. What a God-send she was! I remember our sweet therapist Kim coming and visiting with a frosty and Ian waking up for the first time in days to see her and eat his frosty. Oh how he loved his Ms.Kim! I remember four grandparents who loved their grandchild with all of their being...I remember making them tell him their good-byes the night before he died! I remember the heart wrenching emotions. I remember our friends...they visited, they called, they cried, they prepared a funeral for their friend's child, and they never left us through all the craziness. Our parents still love us even though we've made some big mistakes and probably said a lot of hurtful things. Our pain is so deep...it's unbelievable! We're sorry if we've hurt anyone...there isn't a book "How to bury your child and survive for dummies" I've been asked so many times..."How do you do it? How do you live without Ian?" I know people think this is cheesy but I tell you this from the bottom of my heart. I make it without Ian because my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ gives me new strength every day to survive one more day without Ian. I could not do this on my own strength. I am a weak momma whose child is not in her arms anymore. If I relied on my own strength to survive this loss I would probably be in the crazy house or suicidal. BUT...that's not me. I wake up each day with new hope because I know He will supply all my needs. When I'm down He sends something my way that cheers me up. It's amazing!!! Today my weak momma self wants to be sad and only focus on the negative. I want to have a pity party and cry all day. I want to sit down and scream WHY and be mean to anybody and everybody that says something wrong to me. Whew...aren't y'all glad I'm not my self!?! I am made new in Christ's image because I am saved by grace. So today through Him I am choosing to focus on the good. Three years ago today Ian was healed and made whole. He was given a new body. A body with no stippling, no cataracts, no contractures, no dislocated hips, no dwarfism, NO PAIN, no deafness, no blindness, no mental deficiencies, no heart problems, no medicine, no hernias, no oxygen, no hospice!!! He was given LIFE...Our sweet boy is singing right now at the feet of Jesus. What a glorious sight that must be. He is raising those hands and running with the energy of a vivacious 5 year old. I picture it...he looks like Asher and has as much energy as little brother has. This makes my heart smile through all the tears. You see when you have Christ as your Lord and Savior you have the hope of Heaven. And that my friend...is how I get through life without Ian. I know when I am called Home I will stand at the Pearly Gates and I will see my maker. I will rejoice that I have been called home and hope to hear "Well done my good and faithful servant!" I will hug Jesus and He will say..."Sweet Mary there is someone very special waiting to see you." And at that moment in time my little boy will run in to my arms and all will be made perfect! So for the time being I focus on what our interim pastor Brother Bob said a lot..."You better be well doing here to hear "Well done" when you get to Heaven." I am going to choose to "well do" today and make my Heavenly Father proud instead of living in depression. I am going to strive to win souls for Christ and live a life of purpose. Why don't you join me and let's change the world?!? Love to you all and we greatly appreciate your prayers today and every day as we try to live this life without Ian...

New Team Ian Shirts!!!

I am selling NEW TEAM IAN SHIRTS!!! It's been quite awhile since I've done this but we need to raise some money for our conference in June. Actually we need to raise A LOT of money for our conference in June. We have 78 people who are going to be there...WHOA!!! We have 14 Rhizo Kids going to be there. WHOA!! We have never had a conference this big. People are literally flying in from all around the world folks!!! Can you hear the excitement in my voice?!? I am pumped. I think back to that first conference Tracey Thomas and I put on at St.Vincent's hospital. There were just five families there. Now we have a large group. I am amazed where our Rhizo Kids group has grown to. What a blessing. So...let's sell some shirts. If you want to sell shirts for me go right ahead. Just print out a picture of the shirts get the sizes and what they want and get the money ahead of time. The shirts are $15 each and if you get XXL or XXXL they are $17 each. If you want me to ship you a shirt I most definitely will. That cost $5 a shirt. There are four shirts. BUT don't be fooled. Three of them have the EXACT same back. I am repeating myself...three of the shirts have the exact same back. :) The first purple shirt is a "Rhizo Kids" shirt. It says..."RCDP picked the wrong kid" on the back. The black shirt is a "Rhizo Kids" shirt with a hand instead of the rainbow on the front and it says..."RCDP picked the wrong kid" on the back too. It's just black with a hand on the front instead of a rainbow. More manly we thought :) The green shirt is a "Rhizo Kids" shirt. The other purple shirt is....A TEAM IAN SHIRT!!! It says "team ian" on the front and on the back it says the same as the first two "RCDP picked the wrong kid" If you sell these shirts this is how I did mine. I have a sheet for: 1. Purple Rhizo Kid shirt 2. Black Rhizo Kid shirt 3. Green Rhizo Kid shirt 4. PURPLE TEAM IAN SHIRT Thanks in advance for helping us out on this. We need about $20,000 to cover the expenses of this conference :) Every little bit we can contribute helps. I love you guys for continuing to support Ian's fight even though he's with Jesus healed and whole. He may be gone...but he will never be forgotten. Thanks friends.... If you want a shirt please email me at maryellis96@yahoo.com. I won't get your order if you respond to this email or post on here. You need to email me. Thanks!!!

Perspective...

Asher starting getting sick on Monday. His classic clear snotty nose and coughing which is always accompanied by an ear infection. He didn't sleep at all Monday night so I thought I'd just go ahead and take him to the doctor on Tuesday morning. Well, to my surprise he did not have an ear infection but he did have RSV. I was familiar with RSV because during the fall and spring months of Ian's life we had to get those synagis shots which were $1000 (paid by insurance don't fret) to insure that sweet Ian didn't come down with RSV. If Ian would have gotten RSV it would have meant hospitalization and quite possibly the end of Ian's life. Therefore, Asher having RSV is just not really that big of a deal, right? I think so!

Ok...it's not that big of a deal. It's not life or death but it has been a rough week around the Ellis house. Asher has cried around the clock for 24 hours since Monday. He has pulled at his ears, fought the breathing treatments, spit out his cough medicine, spit out his zyrtec, grabbed the medicine syringe out of my hand and thrown it (LOL), and just been a sick little boy. Friday we went back to the doctor and what do you know...he had an ear infection. I am not going to lie...it has gotten to me. It has worn me down and I have "fretted" over things I "preached" about not fretting over. Wae and I continually say "Ian wasn't like this. He was such a sweet sick baby." :) I get it now though...he couldn't reach up and throw the medicine syringe out of hand because that was impossible for him. I know now that he wanted to though. He couldn't pull at his ears to tell me they hurt...that too was impossible. He didn't spit out his medicine because that poor baby had so much medicine poked into him every couple of hours that he probably thought there was no other way in life. He couldn't cry 24/7 because he felt bad because he physically didn't have the energy for that. Instead he would sleep around the clock when he was sick. So yes...we have experienced something new with a sick baby Asher.

During the middle of this the newest Rhizo Kid (just weeks old) has had some major complications with her intestines. She has had multiple surgeries and the doctors haven't had a good prognosis for this sweet family. Her mom posted some pictures on facebook of her attached to many, many machines with multiple tubes coming from her precious little body. Here I am fretting because I have a fussy baby. I am complaining because he won't take his medicine good and I have the nerve to say "I'm tired!" (insert whiney voice here) How did I so quickly lose my perspective in life that Ian taught me? How did I so quickly slide back into the this mode of thinking that life with Asher is hard. Life with Ian was hard...life for this Rhizo family whose child is living on the ventilator is hard....life with your child on a feeding tube is hard.....life with worrying 24/7 about your child catching an illness that might kill them is hard....life full of therapies for your child is hard.....

I am ashamed of myself! God blessed us...he showed mercy on us. We had such a great life with Ian. He wasn't a sick Rhizo Kid and he didn't require a feeding tube. God granted us the best of that situation. Then HE decided to continue to bless us. He gave us our genetic miracle which meant we could have healthy children. He then blessed us with Asher. He not only blessed us with Asher He blessed us with Wae an amazing job that provides for our family so I could stay home with Asher. (My all time dream of a lifetime was to be a stay at home mom) And what have I done?!? I have complained because my baby is sick and fussy...he has a stinking cold!!!! Don't you know God is watching me saying "She has already forgotten the lessons you taught her Ian." Not only is God ashamed of me but Ian would be as well. Forgive me God...I lost my perspective and I am ashamed. You have blessed our family. Yes..it's 4:00 in the morning and I am up but this will all be over next week. The life of a Rhizo mom is like this as long as her child is alive. And I have complained?!?

Please pray for the Guenther family in Canada. Their daughter is Megan and she is really very sick. We consider this family friends. They come to our conference every year and they are such an amazing family with an amazing faith in God. I know He has a plan here and I know they believe in His plan. I pray they feel God carrying them during these unbelievably hard times.

Perspective...I sure hope this doesn't happen again but the reality is that I know it will. I will get bogged down in the things that don't matter and I will let them stress me out. Whew...hard life lesson!!!

Asher is starting to feel better tonight I think. He is actually sleeping but I'm not. Go figure :) He and Wae are all snuggled up in the bed together and I'm on the couch watching "Three's Company." As I laid there for the past two hours looking at them I couldn't help but to think about how blessed I am. I have a wonderful husband and a precious 7 month old baby boy all snuggled up together. Life is good and God has blessed us far beyond our dreams. Now I'm going to join them and at least cuddle for the rest of the night if I sleep or not. This is my favorite time of the day.

I included some pics from Easter. It was a perfect day!!!!

Gratitude journal full of happy moments...

When I used to update caringbridge for Ian I talked one day about happy moments and a gratitude journal. I have read through my CB book and found that entry because recently I stumbled upon my gratitude journal and was so happy to remember these happy moments I had recorded. I wanted to read what my thoughts were then on recording "happy moments." I said that day..." Now I realize that if I write down my daily "happy moments" it is refreshing to read back over them. It helps me to focus on the good in each day instead of the bad moments of each day. It makes me appreciate life and all of my blessings each day." Wow...I can't believe this was my focus as I was watching Ian suffer. If you don't believe in God right there is evidence to me that He is real. He was living through me and showing me how to be positive and as I read back over these happy moments it is clear that He was at the center of it all!!!

Some happy moments I recorded during Ian's life...
1. "Feeling" Ian say I love you today
2. The mommy Ian has taught me to be
3. My happy moment today was Ian's sweet cheeks, his crazy hair, his two snaggle teeth, his crossed legs b/c that's just Ian, his glare at me, his love for swinging outside
4. I am happy Ian let me have a quiet time with God today and he let me exercise :)
5. I am happy today because Wae got Ian a puppy Miley (ummm...this may have turned into a nightmare LOL)
6. My happy moments today is the best in forever...Wae and I got our genetic testing results back. We don't both carry RCDP and we can have healthy children!!!
7. My happy moment today was BIG...Ian's superman party. (this turned out to be his last big birthday party)
8. My happy moment tonight is that Ian is breathing right now in his bed beside our bed.
9. Almost every day a happy moment was to be thankful for both sets of grandparents who loved Ian and helped all they could. Couldn't have asked for two better sets of grandparents.

And then I read on through the days after Ian passed away. I was still recording happy moments. How could that be?!? Because God never let me fall out of the palm of His hand. He carried me the whole way through the grieving process and still helped me to find happy moments in the midst of the storm.
Some happy moments I recorded after Ian's life...
1. I am happy today because Amanda and Deanna asked me to help with pottery. I have something to do now!!!
2. Happiness today came in the form of Ella Kathryn. I got to get her from daycare and come home and play.
3. A smile came to my face today when I understood that Ian is really healed now and is in his Heavenly Father's arms.

And happy moments now?!? There are so many I don't think my gratitude journal could hold them all. God's grace is so abundant in our lives. He chose to bless us beyond all our wildest dreams. We aren't worthy...we questioned Him at times, we ran from Him at times, we chose to turn our backs on somedays. But do you know what he did. He held us tighter and He never gave up on us. He showed mercy on us and blessed us beyond belief.

Some happy moments from life now...
1. My salvation....tomorrow is Easter and all I can think about is that Christ willingly suffered and died on the cross for me. My sins are forgiven and I have been set free. Thank you Jesus for saving me, for loving me, and for not giving up on me!!!
2. ASHER!!!!!!!!! He can sit up, he can smile, he can laugh, he can see a puff on the table pick that puff up and feed himself that puff!!!! He dances when I walk into the room. He reaches for me to hold him. He loves his daddy!!! He can hold a sippy cup. He's smart as a whip. His legs aren't crossed because of RCDP. He can hear me, see me, touch me. He wraps his arms around my neck. He has a fake laugh...hilarious. He squinches up his nose...precious! He fiddles with my hair to go to sleep sometimes. He sleeps snuggled with me because he loves me so. He can sit up in the bathtub. He plays in the bathtub. We HAVE to buy bath toys. We HAVE to babyproof the house. He loves to shop. He loves the nursery at church. He loves everybody (except some men LOL) He watches me walk through a room then cries when he can't see me (hehehehe) He rolls everywhere. He won't be still enough for me to change his diaper. The list goes on and on and on.
3. I am thankful for Wae. He works so hard so I can stay home with Asher. He is such a good daddy and Asher is obsessed with him.
4. I am happy all day every day because I'm not having to go to work at 6:30 am. I am able to be home with Asher and I know that's where I'm supposed to be.

There's just so much y'all. We have the best families you could ever imagine. Grandparents who love Asher with all their hearts. They beg to keep him and always want me to have something to do so they can see him. Aunts and uncles and cousins galore with love oozing out of the seams. Friends...they've watched us hurt as their kids grew up without Asher. They didn't leave us as friends when it would have been easier than seeing heartbreak on our faces. They stuck around and loved us and now they too are obsessed with Asher. It's wonderful. This REALLY is a wonderful life!!!!
So today my challenge to you is to stop...take a look around....and find your happy moments. I know your life is full of them too. Let's quit focusing on what's not so happy and try to focus on what is so happy. Try writing it down every day. I promise it will be a blessing to you when you go back through the different stages of your life and see what you were happy for. It does my heart good that even during the tough times God saw fit to help me find some happy moments each day.

If you don't have a church to attend tomorrow for Easter please come visit First Baptist Church in Centre. We would love to have you...I promise!!! We have an early service at 8:30 and regular service at 11:00. We have great Sunday School classes and I"m sure there is one there for you. I hope to see you there!!!!

A day in the life of Asher...

I tell y'all all the time how happy I am. I tell y'all all the time how precious we think Asher is and about all the fun we have. I thought I'd just share some of our fun with you. :)

This picture is from Asher's first trip away from home. We went with Wae to Memphis and Asher was an angel. He's so good about going places and isn't fussy at all. One of the many reasons I love him :)



This picture is Asher's first time to eat off the table. Wae's sister Andrea has been so mad at me (sorry Andrea ) because I haven't fed Asher from the table. So...I made him some mashed potatoes and he was not really impressed. This is what he did the entire time. We were laughing so hard we almost cried. Another reason we love him so...his personality is to die for.




This picture is from the first time we took Asher to the lake. He played on his beach towel, in his baby pool, and even took naps in his stroller. He was so versatile and never fussed. Was just happy to be with his mommy and daddy. Yet another reason we think he's perfect. :)




There just really aren't any words to describe the happiness from this day. Our family had such a good time being truly happy. I told Wae I never knew life could be this good.


















This is how Asher sleeps. In the bed with us. Last night he melted my heart into a big ole' puddle. He likes to spoon to cuddle. We are snuggled as tight as possible. He rolled over onto his belly about 2 am. I felt him roll over so I woke up. I was looking at him and he then put his arm around me and slept with his arm on my back. Could there be anything more precious in this life?!? I think not!!! This boy loves his momma and this momma loves her boy!!!






Wae's parents bought Asher his first playset for his 6th month birthday. He loves to go outside and swing on it. He is obsessed with being outside. If he ever is fussy I just take him outside and play and he gets as happy as can be. You guessed it...another reason I am completely in love with him. Could he be any more perfect?!? I think not :) So happy for God's blessings.

I'm sorry if I'm obnoxiously happy. I just remember where I was 4 1/2 years ago. I remember watching my little boy who couldn't grow, who couldn't move, and who couldn't enjoy the life I had planned. I enjoyed him. Every second of him and I tried my hardest to learn what God wanted to teach me. I think we learned and now we are able to enjoy His blessings of Asher because of Ian. I thank God every day for my blessing of Ian because without him I'd be that mom who didn't know to appreciate the fact that my baby can roll away EVERY time I try to change his diaper. I'd be that mom who was annoyed because her little boy had all his toys out in the living room. I'd be that mom who was too busy cleaning my house on Sunday to go spend the day at the lake with Wae and Asher. Ian Ellis taught me so many lessons I needed to learn and I'm so grateful God chose me to be his mommy.

Have a great Easter. Don't clean...don't rush...just enjoy the day. Remember the reason!!!! Celebrate Christ...go to church...appreciate the fact that He died and rose again for us. He died on the cross for our sins!!! Try thanking Him for what He did for us. It's really pretty amazing if you just think about it.

Don't ask why but for what purpose...

Recently I have been reliving the first days with Ian. I have been emailing back and forth with a family who has a new baby with RCDP. The reason I started Rhizo Kids was so that no other family would ever have to face the diagnosis alone again. I try to remember the emotions I had those first days, weeks, and months. I want to only encourage and be a positive friend when in the midst of your diagnosis you are being given such negative perceptions about your new baby.

While doing this today I have dug out some of my favorite books. My number one book through Ian's life was "Holding on to Hope" This mother lived a story much like ours. It's been awhile since I read the entire book but I'm pretty sure she lost two children. It's very touching and about the story of Job in the bible.

I read this book over and over and over when Ian was alive. When I opened the book today I had written in the front cover "Your question should not be why but for what purpose?" I wrote that simple statement when I was a young mother at the age of 24 years old knowing I was going to inevitably lose my first born child. Now that I have Asher and I look back at the things I wrote in this book I am amazed. It's like another lifetime ago...I am sitting in the bed tonight with my perfectly healthy Asher laying beside me asleep. As I watch his chest rise and fall as he breathes I am once again brought to tears at the thought of God's greatness and mercy. This baby beside me is asleep with his hands raised above his head and all I can do is cry out of thankfulness for their precious arms. Thank you God!!!

Isn't the grace of God so much bigger than our simple human minds can grasp?!? Wow...he gave me such peace, love, joy, understanding, and happiness through such a hard time. Yes some days I was down right miserable. Yes some days the devil snuck in and stole my joy. BUT...for the most part I was being held in the palm of my Father's hand and he led me through the greatest days of my life that some people can only view as the hardest days of my life. Ian was one of my greatest blessings in life and I will forever be grateful that I am his mommy.

I did ask why and I asked it a lot. However, I strongly feel that I focused more on "for what purpose" than why??? For what purpose God does my first and only child have a fatal disorder? What do you want of me? All I have ever wanted is to honor God through the life and death of my precious child. I want people to see that yes God has blessed me in this life on earth. Through the blessings I have praised God. BUT...I have also experienced trials that were so hard I could barely crawl out of the bed some days. And through those hard days I have praised God.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."
"Holding on to Hope" says "You and I, like Job, know that God gives and God takes away. And when he takes away, if we're able to focus on the joy of what was given, if only for a time, we take another step down the pathway toward the heart of God. "

You see God gave our family a miracle in Ian. A miracle who was a life changer. I can't tell you how many people have told me they were saved because of Ian's life. Or how many people told me they were better parents because of Ian Ellis. I know I personally leave my house a wreck and do what Asher and Wae want me to do because Ian taught me that family matters...the here and now matters because we aren't promised tomorrow. This was the purpose for our trial...to be a willing vessel for God to use. I want to glorify God and I want to make him proud!!! Have you ever thought about that?!? Are you making God proud? Whoa...that one scares me!!!!

Asher...IS A MESS!!! He's a handsome and lovable mess but he's a big ole' mess. He can sit up like a pro now and he is trying his best to crawl. He reaches for me non-stop and it melts my heart. He dances up and down when someone comes in he knows. If he's just sitting by you playing he'll reach over and hug you for no reason. Agh...that melts me!!! He smiles all day long. He loves it outside. He can sit up in his bathtub by himself now and play with rubber duckies. Yes...I cried the first time he did it. It amazes me. He sees the rubber duck he wants, he reaches and gets it, and puts that duck in his mouth. Amazes me every time!!! What a blessing! He sleeps in the bed with us. (Remember...the Bible says not to judge) Bahahaha...I know you're judging us right now :) He cuddles to go to sleep and he cuddles with me all night long. He loves to hold onto my face to sleep. He's a mama's boy and I'm an Asher girl. He has my heart in the palm of his hand and I am totally and completely in love with this little boy. There is nothing else in this whole wide world I could want. He looks at me and smiles that smile and I know that all is right in this world. I am amazed by God every day as I watch this baby boy grow up. He is our blessing and miracle from God and for that I will forever be grateful.

But what about my child?!?

I knew the day would come when Wae and I would watch the children Ian's age start getting involved in activities. I just didn't realize it would come so soon. I never know when it is going to hit me in the heart when they are doing new things but lately my heart has been a punching bag it seems. As I ride by the baseball fields somedays the tears just flow...I know the boys who were supposed to be in Ian's grade at school are starting to play ball this year for the first time. But wait...my little boy isn't out there too?!? How did that happen??? Oh yeah...he had RCDP and got robbed of the fun here with me and his daddy. The whole playing ball thing is one of the hardest for me to stomach. I don't know why but it just tears me up!

Before Ian was even born I put that sweet baby on the waiting list at the Early Learning Center in Centre so that when he was four years old he could start "school" The drawing was this week for which kids got into the school. All the moms went to hear if their kids got in or either they had someone listening for their sweet child's name. We can't do that either because our four year old is with Jesus...I never got to teach our sweet Ian his ABC's or how to count. I won't get to watch him go through the school programs this year with his sweet friends. How did this happen? What happened to all my dreams for my sweet boy?!? Oh yeah...RCDP again!!!

I try to focus on the good. I try to remain positive. I want to be upbeat but sometimes just sometimes I can't help but to have a hurting heart. I just miss that boy!!! I miss the Ian I dreamed of who was healthy and more importantly I miss the Ian I had who gave me so much in life. That sweet child of ours taught me so many lessons through his short life and for that I am grateful. I just can't help to grieve the child "I" had planned on for so many years. The child "I" had plans for with my friends who were having kids at the same time. The child"I" wanted so badly. I also can't help to grieve that child that God gave me...the one with so many special needs who was able to love me by snuggling and kissing. The one who couldn't hug my neck or tell me he loved me the normal way but was able to smile that smile and wipe away all my tears. He was so sweet...I miss him.

BUT because of that precious life changing Ian I enjoy Asher more than I ever would have. I take the time to swing outside with him when my house is a disaster. I go to bed with dirty bottles in the sink just so I can snuggle him to sleep. I stay in the bed longer in the mornings so he wakes up to my face and I can see him smile so big because he's laying with his mommy. I roll around in the floor acting a fool just to hear those giggles. I stroll him outside for hours because he loves it and I forget about the list of chores I have. I love him because of his big brother! I don't even think "I love him" gives justice to the way I feel about Asher. He makes me giddy...he makes my heart sing on those days when I see the boys playing baseball without Ian...he makes me laugh so hard I cry. He pulls my hair and I think it's precious because he CAN do it. I just love him....I love him....I love him so much it hurts :)

Enjoy the baseball games you are experiencing and all the hours of practice because the child you always dreamed of you got. Enjoy the homework (or try your best) because it means you have that child you dreamed of who can learn. God chose to bless you, just like he did us, with a healthy child so let's try to honor Him by doing the best job we can with the children he loaned us. What an awesome God we serve!!! I am humbled every day by his mercies....

From the outside looking in...

Wae and I took Asher to Memphis this past weekend. Asher was supposed to stay with my parents but my mom has been sick so he just tagged along with us. When we got into our room Wae was looking out the window. He said to me "Aren't you glad we're here instead of there this weekend?" I looked out the window to see a children's hospital. Wow...what a different perspective we have now.

From the outside of that hospital I was watching the cars go to and from and I was remembering what all I saw there. I remembered the innocent children who were suffering from Cancer, the ones who were so sick they couldn't respond, and the ones with genetic disorders who had so many problems to deal with. I remembered the hurting I had in my heart every time I went to Children's Hospital. I remembered the times Ian had surgeries there, the many doctor's visits, and those hard days of "sticking" him trying to draw blood. Oh the heartache!

From the outside looking in I was so saddened for the families who were having to experience those hard days at the hospital. Asher loved looking out the window at the cars riding by therefore I spent a lot of time looking at the hospital. I spent a lot of time praying for those families who were there. I don't know one person who was in that hospital but I do know the pain that goes along with that place. If I was awake with Asher at 3 am I prayed for those families whom I didn't know. I cried for those families whose hearts were hurting and I just felt so truly sad for them. That made me think...people were sad for me and people prayed for me. I now have a full heart that is overflowing with joy because of those prayers. I now have so much happiness that I can't contain it and it is because my Heavenly Father granted me my prayer....a healthy child.

So...I say this to you to thank you for praying for us. Thank you for being an instrumental part in our lives and thank you for not forgetting us. We once were the people in that hospital. The people who went to bed every night with a tear stained pillow. Now because of answered prayers we are experiencing a life I never knew could exist. A perfect life full of happiness.

I thank God so many times every day for these answered prayers. I then get so caught up in the fact that thank you isn't enough. I can't thank Him enough for what He's done. I can serve him though and try to bring other's to know Christ to show my thanks. So...that's what I'm doing. I'm serving my Savior by being involved in church more and trying to let my light shine so other's will want to know Him in the way I do. Life with Christ is so fulfilling and I'm so grateful for His many blessings.

Please join me in prayer tonight for those families at Children's Hospital.I know we don't know them but I can assure you they need all the prayers we can offer. My dad always said growing up..."But for the grace of God that would be us."

Asher news...he's still perfect in our eyes. A little spoiled yes but doesn't that just mean he's well loved?!? He is sitting up on his own now and plays with so many toys. He reaches for his favorites and falls a million times a day on his face. I'm thinking he earned his first black eye yesterday from falling. We'll see soon enough. He has learned to squeal like a little girl and it's soooo loud. Wish he'd stop that trick LOL. He can make that sound with his lips by pressing them together and blow bubbles everywhere. He is drooling like crazy and I am almost certain a tooth is about to pop through. He likes to sleep with us ( I know everyone has their own opinion here but this is what works best for us) He likes to have his hands on my face to sleep sometimes, sometimes he just wants to hold my hand and sometimes he just wants to snuggle. It's precious and it makes my heart happy. When he's 16 and on a date I'm sure I won't regret the sleepless nights I had with him holding my hand. Those will be my fondest memories for sure!!! I tell myself I am creating a mother/son bond that's so strong he'll love me as much as my daddy loves his mama. He's my joy!!! He said mama last week for the first time :) YAY...he has said it a few more times and three different people have witnessed it so it's real!!! Once again...my heart is smiling. He smiles, he giggles, he cries, he squeals, he doesn't sleep much, he is eating us out of house and home, he has no clothes that fit, he splashes in his bath water, he goes nuts when his daddy comes home, he hugs and kisses me a lot, and HE IS NORMAL!!! I love it!!! Once again...going to bed with a big ole' smile on my face and a prayer of thanksgiving for answered prayers.

Discover your Joy...

I am doing a new bible study. Beth Moore has out a new study about James. We are just now in session three and last night she simply spoke to my heart. I have said so many times...."I can't explain it. I have went through one of the worst tragedies a mother could ever experience. I have buried my child...I have a hole in my heart where he took a huge piece of me but somehow I'm happy. Somehow I have joy in my life." These words were even spoken during the life of Ian, during the death of Ian, and during the grieving of Ian. I myself have always known it was MY GOD who was giving me the joy. However, I didn't know bible verses to back up my thoughts and I didn't know exactly how to express what God was doing for me. I knew it was him though...I knew it. You know that peace that passes all understanding. The peace and contentment that only He can bring during the storm.

I now have verses...I now have my new motto. Psalm 30:11-12 says "You turned my wailing into dancing;you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Wow...He did this for me. For undeserving little ole' me. The girl who questioned "Why?" so many times. The girl who spent days without even talking to Him. He turned my nights of tears into dancing! I now am so happy that I seriously cannot contain it somedays. Sackcloth referred to clothes worn as a sign of mourning. In my eyes I can see the XL jogging pants and XL sweatshirt I wore all day every day....he turned all that depression, all that sadness, all those tears into JOY!!! I have joy...if you don't have it you should find God! He gives you joy...and it's an indescribable joy!

I can't stop at that verse...I'm sorry. She got me this week! John 16: 20-24 says "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. (THIS WAS THE HARDEST PART TO ME...HOW COULD THE WORLD GO ON?!? I LOST MY BABY BOY!!!) You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy (WHOA!!! JOY...MY SWEET ASHER WHOM I LOVE SO DEARLY BECAUSE OF MY SWEET IAN!) A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you; Now is your time of your grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. Oh me...grief turns to joy!

She then read from one of my favorite books written by a mom whose baby girl now lives with Jesus. She read from the book and I couldn't hold back the tears. This mom gets it. She knows how it feels to lose a child...how it feels to bury a child...how it feels to lose that piece of your heart. She described a moment in time like this "Grief and joy danced together as if they had a right to." You see...after listening to these verses grief and joy coexist if you trust God with your anguish. I did trust God...I gave him every worry. And do you know what He did for me?!? He gave me JOY!!! He far surpassed what I thought he would do. I can't describe the joy we now have in our lives. But I know can show you in the bible that God gave me my joy out of our anguish and grief. I write this to say...if you are in anguish over something hand it to God because Joy and Anguish coexist and HE will take care of you!!!

Now my sweet and precious Asher....he's a mess! He is rolling now. (PRECIOUS!) He wants to stand up all the time. He'll sit then nope he wants to stand. He is almost sitting up on his own and he has a personality to die for. He knows he's loved, he knows he's cute, and he definitely knows he's the center of attention. He smiles all the time and it's not just with his lips. His whole body smiles and melts everyone's heart. He is a nosy booger and doesn't let anything get by him. He talks a lot! He loves to play in his walker and he can play with toys. For real...he likes to play. He has learned to blow bubbles and can do that indian call :) when I pat my hand on his mouth. He gives me and hugs and kisses when I say love mama and he's my JOY! Jesus said...he would turn my anguish into joy and that He did. If you don't know Him I suggest you start reading the bible and discovering how awesome he really is!!! Without Him in my life I would be the mom who lost her child who was still depressed, sleeping all day and missing out on all the miracles in my life. Don't be that person!!! Discover your joy...

Feeling extra blessed today...

I woke up with happy tears this morning. Today was supposed to be my first day back at work. However, I am taking an educational leave this semester. This means I will start working on a new degree AND I will be able to stay at home with my sweet Asher. I have dreaded January 3rd for months now because I just couldn't bare the thought of leaving my sweet baby boy. It was a bit sad to not go back to visit with teacher friends and I seriously miss the days with my fun 1st graders but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am where I am supposed to be today. I am home with my funny and happy little man. We have read books together today, we have played in his new jumparoo, we have practiced sitting up, we have practiced standing up, we have sang a song about his body parts, we have sang the ABC's, we have practiced rolling over, we have played with his funny dancing puppy, we have kissed and hugged, and we have rocked and loved each other. Now that's my kind of day!!!

Asher...he is seriously funny! He talks to himself all the time. He talks to the ceiling fan and he talks to his dancing puppy from Ella Kathryn and Cohen. He stares at himself in his mirror from Colin and Ellisan and he just laughs. He has learned to roll over and of course I am a proud mommy. He is fairly good at rolling from tummy to back but has only rolled from back to tummy once. He loves to stand up and never wants to sit down. He loves bathtime but has recently learned how to jump out of his seat. Funny to him but not so much to mommy. I have to quickly give this fella' a bath and not my head for one second. Otherwise he'll be under the water. :) Glad to be having to learn about these new things. He pulls things off the table when he eat and makes a mess. It's funny to me. I have to learn to put things out of his reach. He has a personality already and it is PRECIOUS!!! He is a sweet sweet boy and so lovable. He is inquisitive and loves to know about everything going on around him. He will play by himself and be so happy but he equally loves you to be involved as well. He has outgrown all 3 month clothes and is already in 3-6 and some 6-9. I am running out of clothes believe it or not!!! His sleepers are about all to small because his feel are just too big. His sleeping is much better waking just once a night for a bottle. He quickly downs it and goes right back to sleep in his pack and play.

I am an adoring mom...I adore his eyes. They are so blue with so much love showing through them. I adore his smile...it is flirty, quirky, funny, sweet, silly, and loving. I adore his strength...He is a strong fella' who insists on standing and is striving to learn to do new things each day. I adore his loving spirit...don't know if he'll always be loving but for now he loves his mommy and I LOVE that!!! I adore his dimples...they melt my heart. I adore him! Every square inch of him inside and out.

I would say now you know why I feel a little extra blessed today. We all have so much to be thankful for and it's so easy to forget about being thankful. It's so easy to just know it's ours and go on with life not being thankful. I do it I know. However, today as I thought about getting up and rushing out the door to go to work and dropping Asher off with someone else to care for him I couldn't help but to cry happy and thankful tears. For the past four years a fav bible verse of mine has been Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It was hard for me to recite this verse four years ago and truly believe it. But I knew I just knew God had plans. I can see the plans today he had and I am grateful for every tear I had to cry in order to live out this plan. If it weren't for those tears and those hard days I wouldn't know to be so grateful. I think I get on Wae's nerves telling him how grateful I am LOL I praise God for the miracle of life he has given us. I miss my baby boy Ian and hate all that he had to endure in order to teach me what mattered in life.