Ahhh....Motherhood!

When a woman decides to get pregnant I'm not real sure that she knows what she is getting herself into. No one sat me down and told me about how crazy I would be during pregnancy and about how even crazier I would be after delivering my little bundle of joy. No one warned me about ALL the things that could be side effects during your pregnancy and they definitely didn't warn me about how obsessed I would be about doing it all right. Did I say obsessed?!? Yes...that's what I meant!!! This is THE most important job a woman could have her whole life through and no one warned me about the fact that I would want to be perfect at this job! There's just one catch...you can't be perfect. There are things you don't know that you have to learn and there are lessons to learn with your little miracle that can only be learned through trial and error.

For example...during the night on Friday when Asher was 5 weeks old our little man was burning hot. I don't mean just a little warm to the touch I mean it felt like he'd been sunbathing all day without a shade for hours. I proceeded to check his temp and it was 100.5. Yes I was FREAKING!!! The doctor had just told me that week that 100.4 is the limit for newborns and that I needed to IMMEDIATELY call the office if his ever exceeded this number. Ok doc...it's 3:30 am do you really want me to IMMEDIATELY call the office at this hour. I'll give it 30 minutes I say to myself. I lay him by himself with no blanket to make sure it wasn't my body heat. Ok...30 minutes is up. Let's recheck...YEP...100.5 still. And YES...I did it rectally :) Let's try this just one more time. Yep...still that high. So...I IMMEDIATELY called the office and they directed me to a doctor. YIKES...I just thought I would talk to the person at the on call line NOT A DOCTOR. OH MY GOODNESS!!! Guess who answered the phone...DR.RUTLAND!!!!!!! Do you think I told him "Hey this is Mary Ellis...." Heck no!!! I said the bare minimum hoping he wouldn't recognize my voice to hear him say be at the office at 8 am. Whew...he didn't recognize me. Uh-oh...he'll know in the morning though when he sees me. MAN...he's going to KNOW I'm a crazy mom now...you know the one I always talked about :) Needless to say he didn't think I was crazy and he was his usual kind self. He checked everything under the sun only to find out Asher had a viral infection he just picked up somewhere. He assured me over and over and over that I did not cause this but that it just happens sometimes. Thanks Dr.Rutland because this mommy feels awful that her 5 week old had to be admitted to the hospital. UGH...he's fine now. We didn't leave the house for a few weeks and barely had visitors but we are normal now. He's had his shots and is ready to see the world. Thank goodness...I don't like house arrest.

Asher is almost 10 weeks old. He is smiling all over himself and just giggles for no reason. He wakes up the happiest boy in the world and could melt the coldest of hearts with his smiles in the morning time. He is PRECIOUS!!! His personality is showing so much and to me it says "I know I"m loved and I just love my lovable family" It seems like love is the theme of this child's life. Don't you know that feels great to him?!? He occasionally wakes himself up by laughing in his sleep. Is he playing with Ian in his dreams or is he laughing because of pure happiness? We'll never know. He is held a lot of the day and is snuggled most of the night. Does he sleep with us? Sometimes...if that's what he wants! Do I hold him for no reason during the day...Well sure I do!!! I had him to love and to spoil and I am doing just that. This little boy will never have to wonder if he is loved or not. He likes to nap with noise in the room, he loves to sing our Christmas music, we already practice our ABC's, and we sing "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" all the time to learn our body parts. He likes to sleep on his tummy despite the rule from the doctors, he hates tummy time, and he is obsessed with his play mat! He weighs 12 pounds 6 ounces and is 25 inches long. He eats like a pig after trying 300 different formulas and bottles I think we found the right one this week...finally. But most importantly he smiles when he hears my voice and wants me to hold him when he sees me. My little boy can see me!!! AND he can hear me. It warms my heart!!! I didn't know how it felt for my child to turn his head at my voice and to follow me with his eyes when I walk around the room. He loves me and I love him and I couldn't be any happier. This thing called motherhood is pure bliss!!! I am so thankful Asher's mine and I wouldn't change one thing about my perfect boy!!!

Reflections...

This Sunday marks the two year anniversary of Ian leaving our arms and entering the Pearly Gates with his Heavenly Father. I remember this day last year and the feelings I had and I remember this day two years ago when I was holding my angel baby and he flew to Jesus. I remember the battles we had during Ian's life and I remember the battles we had after Ian's life. I see where we are now and I see God's plan all over our lives.

This time two years ago our lives could have went in so many directions. We could have continued our lives in bitterness, anger, and grief. We could have chosen to live in misery for the rest of our lives because we miss our Ian so. We chose to choose the other path though. We chose to live.

As I reflect over the past two years without Ian I see sadness, the days of deep depression, months of grieving, moments of confusion paired with bitterness and anger. I see the times when we tried our best to appear happy on the outside so our family and friends wouldn't worry and I see the times when we simply couldn't act and depression was written all over our faces. I remember the days of wondering where God was going with us and praying for the days of happiness to come. I remember grieving Ian because he was gone and grieving because we couldn't get pregnant. There were so many dark days.

And now....we have a healthy one month old little boy. He's not just a normal little boy. He's a miracle who God chose to bless us with. Against all odds we have Asher. The doctors said we couldn't have healthy children and God saw to it that we did. Asher means happy and blessed and I am so thankful to type this entry two years after Ian's passing and be able to say that we do have happiness again. That I see now where God was going with this and that we needed time to grieve our sweet Ian. I can tell you we felt God holding us in the palm of his hand these past 4 years.

Do I miss Ian this year on the anniversary of his going to Heaven? Goodness yes.... Do I miss him more every day? Certainly! Am I reliving every emotion, and every second of that week when he was so incredibly sick? Of course! I hate this week!!! However, this year I'm in a different place. I am missing our sweet Ian but I am putting all my efforts into enjoying Asher even more because of what his big brother Ian taught me. He taught me how to love Asher and how to be the best mommy I can be. If it weren't for Ian Ellis mommyhood wouldn't mean half of what it does to me. I will never forget Ian and I'm not replacing him with Asher but I know Ian would want me to love Asher and enjoy him 110% so that is just what I am doing!!!

We'll be taking Asher to the pumpkin patch tomorrow on his one month birthday with all of his friends. I am sure it will be bittersweet because Ian won't be with us in body but we'll get a pumpkin for his big brother and remember the happy times at the pumpkin patch with him too! Ian may be gone from our home but he will never be forgotten. I love you sweet Ian and we'll all be with you in just a blink of an eye!!! Hugs and kisses from mommy...

Blessings

Now that I am home with Asher I have plenty of time to watch TV. I have found part of my ritual is to watch the baby story shows on TLC. One of those shows is about bringing home multiples. As I was watching yesterday the memories of what all we went through with Ian was brought back to the forefront of my mind. The babies were in the NICU, they had nurses coming to their house, they had struggles with their babies taking a bottle, the babies had oxygen, etc.

I have not forgotten our precious Ian and the struggles we went through with him but when it comes to Ian my memories are focused on the good times. I was thankful to see this show though which brought back the bad memories. The memories that remind me to be extra thankful for our little blessing named Asher. We were fortunate enough to have an easy delivery with no problems sending our angel to the NICU....a blessing. We were also fortunate enough to have a healthy child who didn't require home health nurses or even worse...hospice nurses. I don't have to schedule our mornings around what time hospice will be visiting or our afternoons around therapy times. Again...a blessing!!! We don't have to worry about how much formula Asher is taking in because he is able to drink from a normal bottle and is a serious piglet. We don't have to squeeze milk into his mouth from the cleft palate bottles and stress about the milk going into his lungs....yet again another blessing! When I walk in to Asher's room there aren't oxygen tanks, oxygen monitors, and baskets of medical supplies. There are toys, stuffed animals, and baby blankets. There aren't long cords to attach to his oxygen so it can reach from his bedroom to our living room. Instead there is a trail of baby socks that Asher kicks off....another blessing.

Our house is full of blessings. Yes we are new parents to a healthy child. So yes there is also a lot of crying and two parents who have no clue as to why their sweet baby is crying. There is a lot of laundry and there are a ton of dirty diapers. There is a mommy and daddy who are overjoyed about all the laundry, dirty bottles, and dirty diapers. I've said it a million times to you all but now that I am in your shoes and I say it with a new perspective. Be thankful...your life could be so different. Your life could be the one full of doctor's appointments, medical supplies, oxygen tubing, and hospice nurses. If that's not your life, then be thankful for the chaos that is your life.

Normalcy...

It's different being a mom to a "normal" healthy child when all you are used to is looking for signs that your child is dying. It's different to have a child spit up and it be no big deal. It's not a sign that he's aspirating and all the fluid is going into his lungs. He's just a "normal" baby who is spitting up because he's a little piglet and eats entirely too much :) It's fun to watch my little boy sneeze and not worry about him getting a cold that could possibly take his life. I may be crazy but I like to just watch Asher cry so I can see him poke out his bottom lip the way he does which I think is oh so adorable. I couldn't let Ian cry EVER because it would tire out his sick little heart too easily. But now I can let Asher cry....it doesn't happen often that I just let him sit there and cry but that option is there LOL!!! It's different to take Asher's temperature and it be a little high. No real worries there...no rushing to Dr.Rutland and no fear of a hospital stay....it's just a temperature with no strings attached. It's different....I don't want to say this is a worry free lifestyle compared to what we were used to but it's definitely a different ballgame we're playing here. It's not life or death! It's just life and it feels good!!!

Asher...Perfect?!? Health wise...YES!!! Perfect in terms of no fussing....Wellllllll let's see....I think he might be just a tad bit spoiled (insert sarcasm) I'm not real sure how this has happened. I don't hold him all day I SWEAR!!! I lay him down as soon as he's asleep. Maybe that's the problem...who knows. He'll only be little once and it will only be for a little while. He'll grow up all too fast and probably not even like me. He'll just want his daddy so they can go hunting and fishing and whatever it is that boys do :) So...I'll embrace it now and hope that maybe just maybe I'm creating a bond with my little boy that will make him a mama's boy who adores me with all of his heart.

We have had issues with constipation and formulas and spitting up. But guess what?!? That's normal!! We only have normal problems and it feels soooo good for that to be the worries. We have had issues with Asher not taking the number of ounces he should be on a certain schedule but you know what...that's normal too!!! So the schedule doesn't exist really at our house and he eats what he wants. He is getting fat and I love it!!! I love the fact that he already has fat rolls on his arms and legs and that he's a healthy little eater with a very hearty appetite. I love the fact that he is starting to see us and that he can hear when his daddy's loud footsteps are nearing him. I love the fact that he 100% knows we are his mommy and daddy. He knows what his daddy does with him and is already in love with him and that melts this mama's heart. He knows his daddy will "fly" him from 2:30 am to 5:00 am because he WILL NOT stop screaming. Spoiled...I think so and notice who did the flying at all hours of the morning...daddy NOT mommy!!!

Our dream did come true...are we tired? Yes...do we enjoy it though? Most certainly!!! Do we get frustrated because we can't figure out why he's screaming bloody murder for 3 hours straight? Sure we do...but who wouldn't. But do we love this time in our lives more than anything we've ever had...DEFINITELY!!! As Asher was fussing last night and we were trying to go to sleep Wae said...Our house used to be a lot quitter. And I said...Yea...but it also had two broken hearts. Now it's full of love and happiness which is all worth the noise!!!