Monday, October 4, 2010

The dreaded week...

One year ago this week our sweet Ian ran to the open arms of his maker. One year ago this week our only child quit breathing as he laid on my chest. One year ago this week my world, my life, my whole being was ripped apart.It seems like a lifetime ago but at the same moment it seems like it only happened yesterday. The tears are flowing this week as this mama's heart is aching for her little boy to be in her arms just one more time...

For the obvious reasons I have dreaded this week for the past year. I have realized one reason I have dreaded this week is that in my eyes many people think..."It has been a year since her little boy passed away. She is better now. She should be fine." I personally thought that after one year without Ian I would be much better. The pain doesn't go away. The pain hasn't lessened and the bitterness is still lingering. The hurt is far too deep to simply be healed by a year's time. It's a hurt that can only be mended by THE Father's hands and I am thankful I KNOW he is faithful!

I am remembering every second of last year this time and that is what is so painful this week. I am remembering every hospice visit, every visitor coming to say their final good-byes to Ian, our final good-byes to Ian, Ian's friends final good-byes on that precious Wednesday night, Ms.Kim sharing a frosty with Ian and waking him up for his final time, riding the golf-cart in hopes of waking Ian, and so many memories that I simply can't share on here. I am thankful to have these memories with Ian but at the same time these memories are far too much to bear.

My heart is heavy but thankful that I was able to experience two years of wonderful rather than a lifetime of heart is broken but hopeful for the heart is grieving but rejoicing because I WILL spend eternity with my little boy Ian with no timeframe on our time together! I am so thankful I believe in Jesus Christ and the hope of Heaven! I am so thankful my thoughts are that my little boy is in Heaven healed and whole playing on the streets of gold with his Paw Paw's and other loved ones. I don't know how I could survive the loss of Ian without the hope of Heaven! I am so thankful I was raised in the home I was raised in and taught the morals and values I was taught. Because let me tell ya'...if I wouldn't have been raised the way I was and had a strong faith there is no telling where I'd be after this life experience. I love you mama and daddy and I'm so thankful for the Christian values you instilled in me!!! God was preparing me to be Ian's mommy long before I even knew I would ever be a mommy.

I am asking for serious prayer this week. I am asking for prayer to just make it through the day each day. It's one of those times when the words just won't come but I know God hears my cries and knows what I need. So thankful He is faithful and won't leave us when we're at our worst.



  1. We love you, Mary and Wae. We will be praying continuously for you this week. Take care and hope to see you soon!

  2. Praying for you and Wae this week especially, Mary. God bless.

  3. How beautifully you put into words your feelings, and yet we all realize the words you used in NO WAY convey the hurt, despair, and heartache you feel. Praise God that He allowed Ian to be born to a Mommy and Daddy who loves the Lord and who told Ian over and over about how wonderful his life would be when he put on a new body that would not have pain or hurt. Praise God that He gives you, Wae, and your entire family the assurance that you will spend eternity with your precious boy. Praise God for mothers and fathers who drag us to church and teach us the values we need to have so that "when we are older we will not depart from it". And Praise God for your testimony and continuing faith. You and your entire family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Leah Odam

  4. Mary, I can't even focus on anything today....All I want to do is look at pictures of Ian. My heart is breaking...He is sooo missed by all of us, I am so sorry for the pain I know that you and Wae are going through. I know God is faithful and he will get you through this week. I just keep telling myself that Ian is happy and healed! Thank God our goodbye here on earth is not the end....we will see that sweet face again! I am still praying God's comforting arms around you and Wae.....Thank you for teaching us so much..Your strength is incredible. I know it comes from God. It is such a testimony to your faith and a witness to so many...I love you!

  5. I have no words that could comfort you during this time Mary. All that I know to do is to continue to lift you up in prayer. I told mom that I keep reliving that most private moment with Ian and being there with you all when he decided to meet Jesus. Oh how I would have loved to see what was going on on the other side when that little boy arrived. I know that the angels danced and the Lord rejoiced to welcome him in. It is just like you said in your post; I am thankful that I was raised in a Christian home and was given the chance to learn about God and and His faithfulness. To learn of hope, heaven, love, and forgiveness. I know that I will have an eternity to play with Ian and for that I am grateful. Does it take the hurt I am feeling away right now? No it doesn't but it does make me smile through the tears to know that one day I will have no time limit with the ones that I love and we will all rejoice together forever! I love you so much and I am so proud of the witness, mother, daughter, friend, sister, cousin, teacher, woman, that you are!

  6. Mary,
    You and Wae are on my mind and heart this week. Know that the gift you gave all of us in Ian will be remembered and cherished forever. A day does not go by when I do not miss and think of Ian. I pray for strength and peace for you and Wae in the days to come. You are courageous!

  7. Sending up extra prayers for you in the next couple of weeks. I know Ian is telling everyone how special his mom and dad are and how loved he was while he was an angel here on earth!

  8. My sweet, sweet daughter. I am so glad that your dad and I did help to equip you for these hard, hard days. I also have been reliving everything from the last days, journaling it from these Nonnie eyes.I have made the same statement, that just because it has been a yr does not make it hurt any less. Sometimes the hurt is just so great, you don't think you can bear it.But I heard a statement the other day that said they think Jesus meets the children, holds their hand and walks them into heaven. I can take some comfort in that. Doesn't make my heartache go away, but what an honor - to be walked into heaven, hand in hand with Jesus. I do think to Ian it just seems like a second since he's seen us, and he is so excited to show you the wonderful place he's saving for his Mommy and Daddy. I love you so very much!!!

  9. Mary,

    My heart aches for you and your family this week. I can't imagine the hurt ya'll are going through. You are such a strong woman of Christ and that is awesome! Ian is lucky to have had wonderful parents as you and Wae. You are in my prayers more this week than usual.

  10. I miss little Ian. I can't imagine your heartache. I'm am calling on our gracious, loving God to carry you through these times. He is Faithful and knows your pain. Love you! Kim