I have no words...

I know it has been forever since I updated. I have tried time and time again but I have no words. I have been trying to keep myself busy so I don't focus on the sadness that still resides in my soul. I am convinced at this point in my life that I will forever have a piece of my heart missing and that I will simply have to live without that portion of my heart and soul. It's hard and I'm trying my hardest to find happiness but I am losing hope.

I did take sunflower pictures and I loved it!!! I had the time of my life playing with the kids and seeing all the families who wanted their pics made with Ian's sweet flowers. I am now finished with pictures, editing, and ordering and whew...it was more work than I anticipated. It was joyful work though and I loved being in the beautiful sunflower field each day.

I have been in my classroom a lot this summer. I have worked and worked trying to create a class where the kids want to be every day. I forgot how much I loved being a teacher until I started preparing for the kids. This is my last full week of summer and it is kind of bittersweet. I have been at home for such a long time I don't remember what it is like to work a full-time job. Better yet...Wae doesn't remember what it is like for his wife to work a full-time job. LOL!!! We will adjust and I am sure it will be good for me to keep my mind busy and try to find a new purpose. I have my class list and that always makes it seem like school is about to start. I am going to take pictures this week and let you all see how the room turned out. I even had Ian painted on the wall outside my door. I have a tree and there is a swing hanging from it. There is a little boy swinging on that swing and from the looks of it I'd say he's the most handsome little boy I've ever seen painted on a wall. :)

I posted some pics of the sunflower pics so you could see how cute they turned out. I've had a few people trying to talk me into cotton pics, halloween pics, and Santa pics now. Whew...we'll have to see how the school year is going :) I do love it though and it is a hobby that I love possibly as much as shopping, chocolate, and coke. Now that let's you know how much I enjoy it. LOL!!!

More firsts without our precious Ian...

I knew Wae and I would be exhausted after the Rhizo Kids conference so we planned a vacation to the beach for the week after. We went to a friends condo in Panama City and it was so nice to get away. Of course we were worried about the oil spill but there was no oil in Panama City. It was as beautiful as ever.


I knew it would be another first I wasn't quite ready to face without Ian, but it was a first we would have to face at some point in time. Well, I guess we could just never go to the beach again but I love the beach so we had to hit this one head on. We did not go back to Destin or SanDestin though which is where we always went with Ian. We did change up our location so that the memories wouldn't be quite so fresh.

We had a great time and enjoyed ourselves so much. We went with Jason and Heather (our friends who we went to Disney World with at Christmas)and had a relaxing time away full of nothing but sun and eating out. My kind of vacation. There were many times though when the wave of sadness would hit me like a sack of bricks and I would have to fight it off once again. I would remember Ian "dancing" in his bouncy seat on the beach or being snuggled up by me on my lounge chair. I'd jump in the pool and feel lost to not have my little boy there to play with.

Some people think "Wow...a trip to the beach without our kids. Best trip ever!!!" When you are a parent who loses their child and you go the beach without your child it is definitely not the best trip ever. I had the preconceived idea it would be nice to have no worries but I'd give everything I had to be preoccupied at the beach with the duties of being a mom. My arms were empty once again and once again it was not my cup of tea. There have been so many moments lately that my arms physically ache for Ian. At times it as though I can feel him with me when times are the hardest and it takes me back.

We did have a good time though with much laughter and fun. There were some moments of sadness but there were also many moments of happiness with out friends. I'm posting some pics from our trip so you can see the beach really still is beautiful...


SUNFLOWERS...When we arrived home yesterday we were greeted by sunflowers in our Ian sunflower garden. Yay!!! He was smiling at me when I got home and I loved it. Smiling at me through a flower, but still he was smiling at me. Wae also planted fields and fields of sunflowers across from our home. They are blooming and I am going to take pictures there. You all know photography has become a hobby of mine and you know just how many pictures I take. : ) I am going to do something I've never done before...I'm going to take appointments to take pictures. You know...like I actually know what I'm doing here. Hahaha...I've had many friends say they want family pictures so I'm going to take family pics, pics of just couples, and pics of kids. I'm going to take pics of everyone who wants them. I have found a company I am using to develop my pics and I think they are going to be great. I ordered my first set last night. I'm coming up with a sunflower package and they will definitely be affordable. I'm also going to give you the option of buying the disk with all the pictures on it for you to print what you want on your own. If you are interested email because I'm going to start making a schedule. I'm thinking the sunflowers are ready now and I think I may take some pictures towards the end of this week and some all next week. I'm new at this and I'm headed to the fields today to check them out. Just email me at maryellis96@yahoo.com and I'll make you an appointment. I soooo am not a pro at this but hey...you never will be if you don't try, right?!? I so enjoy pictures so I think this will be a blast for me.