How to help someone who is hurting...

As a grieving mom I have been researching and researching about "How to help a grieving parent." When you lose someone you automatically become part of "the club." It is a club you do not want to be a member of. For example, we are a member of the "My child has died" club. As a result of this, people have begun to approach me who have lost loved ones because they know I can relate to their deep agonizing pain. Even though I can relate it is hard to find the words to say in each different situation. I have found a few things I really enjoyed reading and I have found things that have happened to me that made me so hurt. So...I thought I would share with you all how to help someone who is grieving.

Maybe you know someone whose mom or dad has died, whose child has died, whose spouse has died, whose sibling has died, who has gotten a divorce, who has went through bankruptcy, etc. Obviously some things are worse than other things to experience, but each scenario can cause serious grief.

When you are thrown into the dark world of grieving people like to put a "timeline" on your grief. I am here to strongly tell you...THERE IS NO TIMELINE FOR A PERSON GRIEVING. Do not expect a person to be "over it" or "better" in a month, in six months, in a year, or ever in some cases. So if you are truly caring about a person experiencing trauma in their lives do not "expect" them to be over it in a certain amount of time. Some things just can't be put on a timeline...

Keep your words simple. For example...try not to say things like "His time was up." "He is better off now." "Time will heal all your pain" Actually...the person grieving thinks their loved one would have been better off living a lifetime of wonderful with them and they probably have the feeling that time will never HEAL their pain. It might ease up on some days, but it will never be gone.

What to say to someone who is heartbroken..."I'm sorry." "I've been thinking about you." or my personal favorite is "You know what I loved about Ian..." Don't try to explain reasons why you are sorry when someone has lost their parents or child or sibling. Just simply say "I'm sorry." Also, don't try to forget about their loved one who has died. Talk about the person and tell the family what you loved about their loved one. You can sit with them and just hug them or pat their leg. Just be there for them and don't make it about you. Don't say..."I understand you know. My cat died last week and it's just so hard to live without her." I mean really...there is no comparison there! However...people do this!!!

When a person is grieving the loss of a child I know the emotions are out of control. I am sure it is the same way when you lose a parent or another close family member. However, I don't have experience in that area. Thank you Jesus! My emotions drain me on certain days and I have no energy to worry about mundane things in life. I know I do things that seem outrageous to others in my process of grieving but those outrageous events are what I want I to do right now. No explanations available for some emotions I have...they are just there. As the support system of someone grieving this is the time you are supposed to support the grieving person. This is not the time for you to judge them or become angry with them, but it is the time for you to stand by them and love them like you always have. This may be one of the most difficult tasks for the support system involved with the grieving person. To have this support from people shows unconditional love.

Be there...don't leave them and forget about them because you are worried about what to do or say. Hold your friend when they are so sad that they can't stand to even get up off the couch. Hold your grieving friend as she cleans out her child's bedroom and packs up memories in rubbermaid boxes. If you have a grieving friend and you really want to help them send them a card saying "I love you," send a personal gift of something the two of you enjoy doing together, or call her up and say I'll be there at 6:00 with dinner for you. Go out of your way to do extraordinary things for the grieving person and don't forget them after a few weeks or months and think they are better. Odds are things are much worse now than they were in the beginning. Just love them and show them you love them.

One way you all show me you love me is by the posts on my blog encouraging me and pushing me to get up each day. By participating in my silly debates and helping us to understand our questions we have about why things happen. Some of you still send me cards to this day and I think it's awesome there are actually people in the world who do that. I need to do better at that!

Don't dodge the grieving person when you see them. Hug them...say I'm sorry and I am thinking about you.

It's hard to know how to handle a grieving person if you have never been through a situation to cause grief for yourself. It's even hard for us to know how to approach a grieving person and everyone would think we would know what to say. It's always hard to know what to say though. That's why I thought I would share with you what I have read. And when in doubt...the less said is usually best.

I hope this helps you all to know how to handle the grieving people in your lives.