Four months of tears...

Four months ago today our precious little Ian left our arms and ran to Jesus. Four months ago today our best friend died and we faced the harsh reality that we would never hold him again. Four months ago today Ian broke off a piece of my heart that I will never get back and I'm here to tell you this is a road you never want to travel!!!

"I can't even imagine how hard it is to lose a child!" "I could never pretend to know your hurt." "I don't know how you wake up each day and get out of the bed." "How do you do it Mary?"

These are words I hear every day now. I have heard them so much that I thought today I would give you a glimpse of just how hard it really is to live after your child has died and taken an enormous piece of your heart with him. This entry will be brutally honest and talk about feelings that some of you may not want to know. If you think you can't handle the honest gut-wrenching emotions of living life as a mom without a child then I suggest you quit reading now. However, if you really want to know what it is like to live as a mom without a child then go ahead and open yourself up to some very raw emotions.

I anticipate the 9th of every month because it is the "anniversary" of when Ian left my arms and went to LIVE in Heaven with his maker. For about a week leading up to the 9th I am in a horrible mood because I know good and well the emotions I will face on "the day" of the 9th of each and every month. I will replay in my head all day what happened on "that day." It was a Friday afternoon of a week that would soon be known as Ian's last week of life. I think to myself..."What could I have done different?" "Should I have put him in the hospital?" "Did he suffocate on my shoulder because of the way I was holding him?" "Did I fight hard enough for my little boy or did I just let him die?" "I am not worthy to live God...I am not worthy!!!"

Feelings of a mom who has to live on this dreadful earth without her one and only child:
*No reason to live...I mean really think about it. I gave up everything for Ian. I quit my job and for some reason I can't get another one. I spent every waking moment with Ian and now he is gone and I don't know how to "live" without him here to live for.
*Tears...I will be sitting here and out of nowhere tears start pouring down my face. I wasn't even crying or sad at that exact moment and tears....they just come out of nowhere and flow down my cheeks.
*Emotions on your shoulder...Wow, you really can't imagine how hard this one is. I don't want to be so emotional but the smallest thing gets me these days. I am emotionally vulnerable and at every second of the day I am one step away from falling off the tight rope I am walking on. The smallest thing can cause me to fall and when I do fall it is hard to get the strength to get back up on that rope and try again.
*Exhaustion...the grief of losing a child wears you out! You can't sleep...all you can do is sleep...you can't sleep...all you can do is sleep. It's a cycle!
*Become a good actress/actor...It consumes my every thought and you better believe I am good at hiding it. You'd never know by hanging around me that as we are talking my every thought is revolving around my little boy who died 4 months ago. I will "act" like I am fine but inside I am broken.
*Have to worry about others grieving Ian too...I know other people who cared for Ian are grieving too but right now I can only worry about Wae and myself. We are fighting to survive at this point and that's all I can handle. He was my child...my one and only child and this is HARD to live every day without him. I have to worry about us first and not about others at this point and time.
*Overwhelmed...I thought I had prepared myself for this day since I have always known Ian would die but boy oh boy was I wrong! You could never prepare yourself for these emotions. Never!!!
*Typical emotions we have every day...can't sleep, want to sleep all day, mood swings, exhaustion, extreme anxiety, intense sadness and pain, headaches, inability to concentrate, loneliness like you could never imagine!
*Can I make it another day???...yes there are days when just to be brutally honest I could care less if I lived another day on this earth! I am not saying I am suicidal...I am not!!! : ) I am saying you lose your drive...you lose your purpose...you lose everything that at one point and time you knew. You are lost and looking for new direction from God
*Eat, can't eat, eat the whole house, throw up if I eat...eat, eat, eat!!! This is the worse because it causes a whole new set of emotions when you become so fat that none of your clothes fit and it's all your fault because you are taking your heartache out on your weight and an obsession with chocolate and cake. LOL!

This list only tips the iceberg of the emotions we are faced with every day. Yes, we seem to be "fine" "ok" "good" "making it." But you know what??? This is a situation where you really don't want to know how I am. Trust me on that one!

I hope this entry helped you to understand a very small piece of my heart these days. You really can't imagine how hard a day in the life of a mom who isn't a mom anymore really is.