Not only am I broken because I sit here this morning with empty arms longing to hold my little boy but I also sit here this morning weeping because I am being pressed on all sides with trials and this time maybe I'm not strong enough to come out on the otherside. Maybe this time I don't want to count it all "joy" (James 1:2)Maybe this time I don't have such a Christian attitude about life. Maybe this time the bitterness will creep in and find a place to live in my soul and I won't be able to kick it out. Maybe this time I'll give in and wallow for the rest of my life on earth....
So...I am going to preach my sermon from Sunday right here hoping it will remind me what "heartbreak" is all about and what I am "supposed" to do! Long story short the only way to heal a broken heart is with our Heavenly Father. We have to pray and tell Him about our heartbreak and ask Him to use His healing touch on our hearts. (Problem is right now I don't want Him meddling with my heart! I am way too hurt right now.) I explained that God will stay with us no matter how long it takes to heal our hearts. Well...let me tell ya'....that's good news. I don't know about you but it's gonna' be a long time before this heart of mine is healed. Or maybe it's gonna' be a long time before I'm READY for this heart of mine to be healed. That's a thought...hmmmm!!! A main point of my message Sunday was that we had to allow God to work in our lives and our in our hearts to heal us. Not so sure this morning if I'm ready to ALLOW Him to start working. I'd like a little time to be mad please! Does anyone relate here???
"Be encouraged. God sees your tears. Cry them, wipe them, feel them, but don't let them stop you. It's possible to cry and walk!" And there's the saying...the one that gets me every time I read it. It's ok for me to be mad and sad and broken. It's ok for me to cry my eyes out until I have no tears left. It's ok for me to tear my house apart because I am irritated at the world. It's ok as long I don't let those tears stop me. I have to keep walking. Cry and walk...cry and walk...cry and walk. UGH!!! I know this is what I need to do, but sometimes I'd like a little time to wallow. Anybody else feel that way???
The last point of my message was to create an if/then statement. I learned this in Beth Moore's Esther Bible study. When I learned about this my if/then was "If Ian dies, then I'll die!" "If Ian dies then I'll never have a reason to live again." "If Ian dies then I'll never smile again." She encouraged us to change our "then" to "my God will take care of me." So...now mine is "If Ian dies then my God will take care of me." This morning there is something personal weighing on my heart and I have to remind myself that "If....then my God will take care of me." I have to allow Him in though to do the healing that only he can do. I'm just so MAD right now that I can't let him work in me. I have to forgive and forget about what is happening but I'm not so good at that. Is it really possible to "forget?" I mean really can anyone forget??? In time though...in time....
Well I'm gonna' take my heartbreak and go wallow in a different room this morning. : ) Just might get in the car and go buy a butterfinger and coke to eat for breakfast. Maybe that would help heal the heartbreak and add a few extra pounds to this body of mine.
I'm going to end with a prayer this morning that I need to pray and truly mean from the depths of my soul. Maybe one of you needs this prayer too...
"Lord I lift to you the situations of my life that concern me. I lay my worries before you and ask for Your mighty intervention to show me what's right when I can only see what's wrong. I am determined to see the good, so help me not be blinded by my own fears, doubts, wants, and preconceived ideas. I ask You to reveal to me Your truth in ever situation. Give me your perspective. Bless me with the ability to understand the bigger picture and to distinguish the valuable from the unimportant. When something seems to go wrong, help me not to jump to negative conclusions. Enable me to recognize the answers to my own prayes. I trust You to help me see the light in every situation."
Please pray for me to allow God to deal with my heartbreak. I hate feeling so broken!
RCDP kids...there are a lot of Rhizo Kids sick right now and it is serious sick!!! Jordyn is in the hospital and having a very important test done this morning. she is having to be put to sleep and her parents are very worried. Jackson is having a lot of issues with his fluid build up and poor Tracey is about at her wit's end. Ethan is still fighting off a bacteria that he has been fighting for months. Please pray for their families as they are in the middle of heartbreak too.
You hang in there, Mary! I haven't walked in your shoes, so I cannot say I understand, but I lift you up to our Almighty this morning to grace you with HIS peace! HE can & will get you through - second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...you just hold on to Him with all that you have!
ReplyDeleteWe, here in your blog world, love you, dear Sister, and we are always here for you - praying for you & Wae! You are such an inspiration, so please don't give up! You have so much to offer the world - Just the same as your amazing Ian did! His life was NOT in vain and you WILL SEE HIM AGAIN.
As unimaginable as these days must seem without him to hold, just hold on to the fact that our 100 (if we are lucky) years on this earth is but a fraction of a mili-second of eternity. and YOU, my dear, will get to spend an eternity with a healed Ian! Running, playing, talking, laughing...he is there now and we all will be too - soon enough.
Again, I can't imagine the anguish you are feeling right now, but just hold on...
Mary...I totally understand what you are saying. I too sometimes just want to "wallow". Dealing with a broken heart is a double edged sword. On one side, I know my Christian faith teaches me to trust God and to keep a positive attitude and to honor God in all things, but the other side it is anger, and sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself and be bitter because it happened to my child. My son, Drake will be having an ear surgery in April and we go back to see his oral surgeon shortly after for evaluation of a halo to pull his upper jaw forward. Just when I think I am beyond the anger or fear, it creeps up on me again. So just know that your feelings are not out of the ordinary and you cry, laugh and rejoice and be sad when you need to. It is all part of the healing game and we need to feel all of the emotions to experience the healing of our broken hearts. Don't forget though that God loves you and wants you to be happy, healthy and experience Joy...so he will not give you more than you can bear and will help you each baby step of the way!
ReplyDeleteYour Sister in Christ,
Amanda Davis
My heart breaks for you! I love you.
ReplyDeleteMom
Mary, I am so sorry. I too have days when I want to feel my hurt and just cry and not let God work on me. I have days that feel like I am riding a roller coaster in my mind! I am praying for you. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteLove, Michelle
Mary..I appreciate you in such a mega way. I could NEVER give you any advice AT ALL...but I do want to encourage you to keep that walk going cause you have changed my life in a remarkable way. I seriously share your words with those who need to hear them almost every single day..usually my selfish friends who want to gripe because they don't have any "me time" from all the kids they are raising...what a shame that your tragedy happened to you but so many ungrateful mommas walk around all day with healthy babies. I can't even imagine your pain. I pray for you so much and so do my girls. they pray for ms. mary to have a baby in her tummy every single night. I am sure you have already seen the video but Josh Wilson's youtube video of "Before the Morning" is so powerful and I pray for you everytime i hear it. Keep walking cause you are doing an amazing job. I am so sorry for your broken-ness...Please God heal Mary and show her the joy that comes after the dark..
ReplyDeletePraying for you Mary!
ReplyDeleteI don't think you ever forget Mary. But, that's okay, right? As long as you forgive then all else will fall into place. Sometimes it's best not to forget the tough times, because it helps you remember how far you've come.
ReplyDeleteAnd...don't get any more Butterfingers or Cokes!!! You can do this. You're one of the strongest people I know.
I'm just trying to help you as best as I can. You've done so much for so many. Hope I've said something that will make you feel better.
Mandy
Praying for your broken heart! I loved the if/then statement from Beth Moore. God will take care of you, regardless of how big the "IF" maybe.
ReplyDeleteI love you Mary!
ReplyDelete