Whew...I'm tired!

So, yes...I did go back to work LAST week and no I have not updated since I joined the workforce again. Let me tell ya'...I am wore out!!! I remember the first month of school always being so tiring when I used to work before having Ian. I guess being off for 3 years has spoiled me?!? Now, now...when I was Ian's stay at home mommy I had my fair share of "mommy duties" to do. I was working 24/7 and running on no sleep. That was exhausting. So...maybe it was these last 10 months without Ian and me being at home all by my lonesome is what spoiled me?!? I wouldn't say I am "spoiled" because I am living without Ian. It is right the opposite but you know what I mean?!? I have been able to sleep as late as I want, shop whenever I wanted, eat out lunch with Wae anyday I pleased, and be a total bum for the last 10 months. I have been grieving every second of every day but I was able to be a bum while I grieved at my own pace. Now...it's a different story.

Job news...it's great! I have a really sweet class. We are getting to know each other and we are adjusting just fine to one another. There is one little girl though who reminds me of Junie B. Jones for those teachers of you out there. You know how Junie B. calls her teacher Mrs. because she just likes Mrs. Well...I have a little girl who just calls me "teacher" and will not call me Ms.Mary. It is hilarious!!! She'll say "Teacher, teacher" and I'll say..."I don't see anyone named teacher in this room but I do know a teacher in here named Ms.Mary" 1st grade is a totally different world from 2nd grade. Whew...maybe that's why I'm so tired. They are so little and they are really still babies. I am having to adjust to that real quick...they can't tie their shoes, they can't open their ketchup, they can't really read yet, and a straight line...oh don't even get me started on a straight line. I'm not sure if they even know what a line is. LOL I can't even begin to imagine teaching Kindergarten!!! Hats off to all Kindergarten teachers out there...you're my heroes!!!

I have had many people asking about Team Ian's Extravaganza. We will be continuing Team Ian's Extravaganza because RCDP is still a dreadful, life-sucking condition that we haven't cured it. Until it is no longer in existence we will have Team Ian's Extravaganza. However, we will be moving the extravaganza to the spring. I can't pull it off this October. It will be too hard seeing that I have just started a new job and as the days draw closer to October 9th my heart breaks a little more each day. The dreaded day of one year since Ian danced on the streets of gold. Gut-wrenching for this momma's heart...I am thinking we will have the extravaganza in April...I know, I know what you're thinking "April showers bring May showers" That's what everyone said when we set our wedding date but guess what?!? It was gorgeous. I mean really...it's a 50/50 chance every day so we'll just roll the dice on this one. I think March is too cold and May is the end of school and crazy. So...April it is. I haven't decided the exact date yet. I will soon though. If you have any suggestions on dates please let me know so I don't interfere with any community or school activities. I want this to be the largest Team Ian's Extravaganza EVER!!! We are going to win this fight against RCDP one day...we just have to in Ian's memory!!! If you have any new suggestions or are wanting to volunteer already for a certain thing before it gets taken by another group you can email me at maryellis96@yahoo.com or at mellis@cherokeek12.org


I hope you are all doing great and I'll try to update again real soon.

Getting excited...

Tomorrow is the big day. My first day as a 1st grade teacher and I am getting so excited. I worked three days last week for teacher inservice days and I was able to get to know the teachers I will be working with. They were so helpful and that really helped me to get excited about going back to work.

We had meet your teacher night Thursday and I was able to meet all the kids and parents. I think I have a great class and I think this is going to be a turning point in our lives. Yay...feeling hopeful tonight and it feels good!

I have made cupcakes for my kids to welcome them back to school. I've prepared fun activities for the first day and I've got my lunch packed and ready to go. Their welcome to school activities are ready for them on their desks and newly sharpened pencils ready to go. A small part of me feels like what life used to be like. Maybe the good will finally start outweighing the bad in our life. We will forever have the cloud of sadness in our lives but I am hoping the cloud will get further and further from the focus of my every thought.

Tomorrow will be 10 months since Ian went to LIVE with Jesus. It has been 10 months of happiness for Ian. I can't even begin to imagine how awesome it would be to be living free of sickness and pain and to be healthy and whole. I know our little boy is completely perfect in the prescence of his Almighty Father and for that...I AM grateful! I miss you Ian Ellis but remember...I'll see you again one day and oh what a day that will be!!! Until then I'm sending hugs and kisses your way...

I tried to post pics of my classroom but it wouldn't work. They are on my facebook page though. Sorry...

Another first...

This week is the week I go back to work for the first time in almost 3 years. The emotions I am experiencing are overwhelming me. I never knew it would be this hard to go back to teaching. I have longed to be in the classroom since the day I realized I wouldn't have the option because I would have to care for Ian. I remember each year when school started back and I sat here with Ian I would just cry and cry because I wasn't back at school with all my friends doing what I love. I would quickly remind myself of how happy I was to be home another year with my precious Ian and those thoughts of missing school went away as quickly as they came.

I think I know why I am so upset about returning to work. In my mind this marks a new point in my life. The day school starts with the kids will be exactly 10 months since Ian went to live with Jesus...one week from today. I think in most people's eyes they think I will return to the old Mary when this happens. I think people all think it will just take me going back to work to return to life as Wae and I once knew it. I think in most people's eyes they think things will start falling into place like Wae and I being able to have a baby for example. I don't think there is any possible way that I can return to the old Mary at any point in this life. Ian IS our little boy and we live every day without him. The cold hard truth is that as you sit there reading this possibly holding your baby I will never have that chance again with Ian. I can't feel him holding my finger, I can't snuggle with him on the couch, and I can't rock him to sleep ever again. That pain will never go away. It is here to stay I'm afraid. But...I have to learn to find some kind of happiness in this life we have now. I hope and pray teaching is the first step at a glimmer of happiness.

There was a lady at church yesterday who just lost someone very dear to her heart 6 months ago. She said to me..."Mary it doesn't get easier does it?" I say..."No mam it doesn't get easier. If anything it gets harder." She says..."People say it gets easier." I say..."People lie! They are trying to make you feel better and they have no clue what they are talking about. I'm not going to sugarcoat it...It doesn't ever get easier!!!" It's the truth...the fact of the matter is when you love someone they are still a part of your life. Just because they are gone in body doesn't mean you can forget them and live your life the way you did before you knew them.

My heart's desire is obviously to be a mommy again. I don't know God's plan and I don't know why he isn't asnwering this prayer. I do know that his plan is greater than my plan and that he's got this! I pray every month that if it's not the month for a healhty child that I don't want to get pregnant. My prayer every day is for a healthy child or for a healthy herd of children. Please join me in this prayer...I don't want a child to replace Ian you all know that. I just want to be a mommy again...more than anything!

I am going to go back to work on Wednesday this week. I am going to go in with a positive attitude and with every hope that this will bring some happiness back into our lives. I am going to fall in love with all 18 of my kids and give them 110%. I AM going to be a teacher again. The option of me being Ian's mommy another year is gone now and it is time for me to find another purpose in this life. I know God is working in my life with where He has placed me for my first year back at teaching and with every person I will come in contact with. I know he has strategically placed people along this path who I will need and I'm ready to follow the path he has laid before me. Please flood the gates of Heaven this week and next for me to have the strength I so desperately need in order to follow this new path. Please pray I can find the good in every situation when many times I can only see the negative.

I added some pics of Ian from last August. What a cute little man!!!

I have no words...

I know it has been forever since I updated. I have tried time and time again but I have no words. I have been trying to keep myself busy so I don't focus on the sadness that still resides in my soul. I am convinced at this point in my life that I will forever have a piece of my heart missing and that I will simply have to live without that portion of my heart and soul. It's hard and I'm trying my hardest to find happiness but I am losing hope.

I did take sunflower pictures and I loved it!!! I had the time of my life playing with the kids and seeing all the families who wanted their pics made with Ian's sweet flowers. I am now finished with pictures, editing, and ordering and whew...it was more work than I anticipated. It was joyful work though and I loved being in the beautiful sunflower field each day.

I have been in my classroom a lot this summer. I have worked and worked trying to create a class where the kids want to be every day. I forgot how much I loved being a teacher until I started preparing for the kids. This is my last full week of summer and it is kind of bittersweet. I have been at home for such a long time I don't remember what it is like to work a full-time job. Better yet...Wae doesn't remember what it is like for his wife to work a full-time job. LOL!!! We will adjust and I am sure it will be good for me to keep my mind busy and try to find a new purpose. I have my class list and that always makes it seem like school is about to start. I am going to take pictures this week and let you all see how the room turned out. I even had Ian painted on the wall outside my door. I have a tree and there is a swing hanging from it. There is a little boy swinging on that swing and from the looks of it I'd say he's the most handsome little boy I've ever seen painted on a wall. :)

I posted some pics of the sunflower pics so you could see how cute they turned out. I've had a few people trying to talk me into cotton pics, halloween pics, and Santa pics now. Whew...we'll have to see how the school year is going :) I do love it though and it is a hobby that I love possibly as much as shopping, chocolate, and coke. Now that let's you know how much I enjoy it. LOL!!!

More firsts without our precious Ian...

I knew Wae and I would be exhausted after the Rhizo Kids conference so we planned a vacation to the beach for the week after. We went to a friends condo in Panama City and it was so nice to get away. Of course we were worried about the oil spill but there was no oil in Panama City. It was as beautiful as ever.


I knew it would be another first I wasn't quite ready to face without Ian, but it was a first we would have to face at some point in time. Well, I guess we could just never go to the beach again but I love the beach so we had to hit this one head on. We did not go back to Destin or SanDestin though which is where we always went with Ian. We did change up our location so that the memories wouldn't be quite so fresh.

We had a great time and enjoyed ourselves so much. We went with Jason and Heather (our friends who we went to Disney World with at Christmas)and had a relaxing time away full of nothing but sun and eating out. My kind of vacation. There were many times though when the wave of sadness would hit me like a sack of bricks and I would have to fight it off once again. I would remember Ian "dancing" in his bouncy seat on the beach or being snuggled up by me on my lounge chair. I'd jump in the pool and feel lost to not have my little boy there to play with.

Some people think "Wow...a trip to the beach without our kids. Best trip ever!!!" When you are a parent who loses their child and you go the beach without your child it is definitely not the best trip ever. I had the preconceived idea it would be nice to have no worries but I'd give everything I had to be preoccupied at the beach with the duties of being a mom. My arms were empty once again and once again it was not my cup of tea. There have been so many moments lately that my arms physically ache for Ian. At times it as though I can feel him with me when times are the hardest and it takes me back.

We did have a good time though with much laughter and fun. There were some moments of sadness but there were also many moments of happiness with out friends. I'm posting some pics from our trip so you can see the beach really still is beautiful...


SUNFLOWERS...When we arrived home yesterday we were greeted by sunflowers in our Ian sunflower garden. Yay!!! He was smiling at me when I got home and I loved it. Smiling at me through a flower, but still he was smiling at me. Wae also planted fields and fields of sunflowers across from our home. They are blooming and I am going to take pictures there. You all know photography has become a hobby of mine and you know just how many pictures I take. : ) I am going to do something I've never done before...I'm going to take appointments to take pictures. You know...like I actually know what I'm doing here. Hahaha...I've had many friends say they want family pictures so I'm going to take family pics, pics of just couples, and pics of kids. I'm going to take pics of everyone who wants them. I have found a company I am using to develop my pics and I think they are going to be great. I ordered my first set last night. I'm coming up with a sunflower package and they will definitely be affordable. I'm also going to give you the option of buying the disk with all the pictures on it for you to print what you want on your own. If you are interested email because I'm going to start making a schedule. I'm thinking the sunflowers are ready now and I think I may take some pictures towards the end of this week and some all next week. I'm new at this and I'm headed to the fields today to check them out. Just email me at maryellis96@yahoo.com and I'll make you an appointment. I soooo am not a pro at this but hey...you never will be if you don't try, right?!? I so enjoy pictures so I think this will be a blast for me.

Rhizo Kids Conference

Whew...after four days with families who have children with RCDP and doctors, researchers, and dieticians discussing RCDP 24/7 I am wore out!!! The Rhizo Kids conference was this weekend at Chesnut Bay Resort in Leesburg, AL. There were nine families who attended from places such as California, Texas, Ohio, Canada, Tennesee, South Carolina, etc. There were 9 doctors from around the world...Vienna Austria, Canada, Johns Hopkins, and Kennedy Krieger, etc. It was a lot of work, but it was well worth it.



You all know I had been kicking around the idea of "quitting" Rhizo Kids. After this weekend with all the families I love and all the kids who are just like our sweet Ian I just can't give up on them. I am exhausted and yes this drains me physically, emotionally, and mentally but I just can't give up on these kids. Ian was a child with RCDP and I did start Rhizo Kids to save Ian. I realize our child has already met Jesus but I also know that RCDP and Rhizo Kids will be a part of our lives forever.

So I know the burning question is "How did the conference go?"...Well...there was one particular moment I wanted to give a doctor a piece of my mind about protocols and procedures they expect us to follow. These protocols they want us to wait on can take years, decades even, and they don't seem to remember our kids are passing away before there "protocols" are met. One child in particular...Ian. Get with it!!!

However, there was this one doctor who spoke. He creates drugs and gets them approved for diseases/disorders. AND...we love him!!! He has this drug he has been working on for Alzheimer's patients. He has been testing it on rabbits and this week he begins testing this drug on mice effected with RCDP. Apparently a person with Alzheimer's has a deficiency in plasmalogenes which is the whole problem with RCDP children. This drug PPI-1011 replinishes the plasmalogenes and the drug also has DHA attached to the drug which will help our kids all the way around. Obviously this drug will not make the kids bones grow but it would be a treatment option that would replace the plasmalogenes they are missing. This should improve brain function, eye sight, etc. To my understanding our kids would be the "test" to see if there are side effects on humans. :) There has been no effects on the animals and it contains natural occuring ingredients. The approval process and final expenses will come to a whopping $7 million to $15 million. If this gets approved for Alzheimer's patients he will let the RCDP children receive the drug for free (I think) When asked when this would be available for the Rhizo Kids the response was the end of next year. So...maybe a treatment in the next 1 1/2 years for our kids. Maybe this is our miracle!!! Pray for this doctor...His name is Paul Wood and his drug is PPI-1011. I believe in miracles and I believe in answered prayers. I know we weren't able to save Ian but think about the children who would be saved if this works.

Thanks...I can't say thank you enough. I am probably going to leave someone out but thank you Cherokee County and Tracey's crew from Sylacauga for donating so much to pull this conference off. We had plenty of drinks so thank you for donating. We had plenty of snacks so thank you for donating that as well. We had three different groups to volunteer to bring dinner each night and it was awesome...our close group of friends brought dinner Thursday night, A precious family who loves Ian more than anything brought us steaks on Friday night along with sunflowers from their "Ian garden", and our very supportive sunday school brought dinner Saturday night and even cooked in the rain. We had family and friends volunteer to babysit Rhizo Kids and healthy kids and they provided a fun time for all the kids there. My dad and Wae drove boats and Jet Skis all weekend and the kids had the time of their lives on the intertubes. Many said..."This was the best day of my life." My grandmother and mom spent the whole weekend cutting up fruit and providing lunches and snacks to all the families. They cleaned up and organized and reorganized over and over again. My brother and Kyla brought Owen and were available for all the extra errands I needed met. Wae's mom and dad and his sister and brother in law Andrea and Shane helped with dinner on Thursday night as well and they helped provide food for some meals. Tony's meats gave us pork chops at a discouted price, Subway gave us a great deal for our lunch as well as Dominoe's pizza and Chesnut Bay resort was very helpful with everything we needed. This conference could not have happened without the support of our family and friends and our awesome community.

I am tired and after a four hour nap today I am headed to bed still exhausted. I am very hopeful something positive will come from this conference if not just the support of each family to one another. It was wonderful to see all the Rhizo Kids families and it's looking like we will have another conference next year. I love you Rhizo families and I pray for the best for your precious children. I miss Ian even more today after being surrounded by so many children who remind me of his preciousness. Prayers are needed...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4ahTk8K7F4 You can view a video of the conference at this link on youtube. Enjoy...

Good Morning!

Update on our sweet dog Shug...it is his heart. Boo! We took him back to the doctor and his lungs were no better. He has a heart murmur due to old age. He will have to take a diuretic every day and during the hot summer months he will have to live inside because he can't breathe good outside. Man...I just really don't want an inside dog! But we will have one now because we love us some Shug and don't want anything to happen to him. He is precious!

I've been a wild woman. I have been working in my classroom every day it seems. I am almost finished though and I love it. I think it's the cutest classroom I've had so far. A very talented lady from our community painted me a mural on the outside of my door and one on the inside where it is our reading area. I will have to take pictures and let you see what it looks like.

Rhizo Kids...wow, next week this time there will be 10 Rhizo Kids families from around the world here in Centre, AL. All of the hard work is finally coming together and going to result in an international conference in Centre, AL and it is going to be pulled off by two mommas fighting for their kids lives. One of the mommas AKA me...has already lost her child's life to RCDP but the other momma still has her inspiration. We encourage the doctors to rush, rush, rush, because our children can't wait. We cannot keep losing our children to RCDP!!!

I think things are together. I am such a procrastinator that I just can't stress about it until next week. Weird, huh?!? I'm sure there are many lose ends to be tied and many errands to be run but I'm just waiting. Oh me...I hope it all comes together. There will be 10 Rhizo Kids families and 8 doctors/researchers/nutritionist here fighting for our kids lives. My prayer is that God guides my tongue and I don't lash out at the doctors because they didn't find the cure quick enough for Ian. Please join me in this prayer because I seriously can see me saying things that simply aren't necessary out of anger and hurt.

Sunday is Father's Day...another first around our house that I don't look forward to. Men are so different from women though. I admitted how hard Mother's Day was for me and I was in a pit for days if not weeks before Mother's Day. Wae doesn't seem to think it will be hard but I know men try to be tough no matter the circumstances. I can't wait until he is the daddy of a wild healthy "herd" of children running around our house with Shug tagging along behind. I know he will be the best dad who doesn't take a single second for granted and I know he will love our kids more than anything in the world. I can't wait until the day God decides to bless us with healthy children.

Well, I better go. I have a lot of Rhizo Kids errands to run that have come to my attention as I have been typing this post. Ugh...I didn't write any of them down so you better bet I've already forgotten the majority of the errands. Maybe my memory will come back and I'll accomplish something today for Rhizo Kids. I hope you all have a blessed weekend and my prayer for you on Father's Day is that you know just how blessed you are to be a father. Don't take it for granted...