Don't ask why but for what purpose...

Recently I have been reliving the first days with Ian. I have been emailing back and forth with a family who has a new baby with RCDP. The reason I started Rhizo Kids was so that no other family would ever have to face the diagnosis alone again. I try to remember the emotions I had those first days, weeks, and months. I want to only encourage and be a positive friend when in the midst of your diagnosis you are being given such negative perceptions about your new baby.

While doing this today I have dug out some of my favorite books. My number one book through Ian's life was "Holding on to Hope" This mother lived a story much like ours. It's been awhile since I read the entire book but I'm pretty sure she lost two children. It's very touching and about the story of Job in the bible.

I read this book over and over and over when Ian was alive. When I opened the book today I had written in the front cover "Your question should not be why but for what purpose?" I wrote that simple statement when I was a young mother at the age of 24 years old knowing I was going to inevitably lose my first born child. Now that I have Asher and I look back at the things I wrote in this book I am amazed. It's like another lifetime ago...I am sitting in the bed tonight with my perfectly healthy Asher laying beside me asleep. As I watch his chest rise and fall as he breathes I am once again brought to tears at the thought of God's greatness and mercy. This baby beside me is asleep with his hands raised above his head and all I can do is cry out of thankfulness for their precious arms. Thank you God!!!

Isn't the grace of God so much bigger than our simple human minds can grasp?!? Wow...he gave me such peace, love, joy, understanding, and happiness through such a hard time. Yes some days I was down right miserable. Yes some days the devil snuck in and stole my joy. BUT...for the most part I was being held in the palm of my Father's hand and he led me through the greatest days of my life that some people can only view as the hardest days of my life. Ian was one of my greatest blessings in life and I will forever be grateful that I am his mommy.

I did ask why and I asked it a lot. However, I strongly feel that I focused more on "for what purpose" than why??? For what purpose God does my first and only child have a fatal disorder? What do you want of me? All I have ever wanted is to honor God through the life and death of my precious child. I want people to see that yes God has blessed me in this life on earth. Through the blessings I have praised God. BUT...I have also experienced trials that were so hard I could barely crawl out of the bed some days. And through those hard days I have praised God.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."
"Holding on to Hope" says "You and I, like Job, know that God gives and God takes away. And when he takes away, if we're able to focus on the joy of what was given, if only for a time, we take another step down the pathway toward the heart of God. "

You see God gave our family a miracle in Ian. A miracle who was a life changer. I can't tell you how many people have told me they were saved because of Ian's life. Or how many people told me they were better parents because of Ian Ellis. I know I personally leave my house a wreck and do what Asher and Wae want me to do because Ian taught me that family matters...the here and now matters because we aren't promised tomorrow. This was the purpose for our trial...to be a willing vessel for God to use. I want to glorify God and I want to make him proud!!! Have you ever thought about that?!? Are you making God proud? Whoa...that one scares me!!!!

Asher...IS A MESS!!! He's a handsome and lovable mess but he's a big ole' mess. He can sit up like a pro now and he is trying his best to crawl. He reaches for me non-stop and it melts my heart. He dances up and down when someone comes in he knows. If he's just sitting by you playing he'll reach over and hug you for no reason. Agh...that melts me!!! He smiles all day long. He loves it outside. He can sit up in his bathtub by himself now and play with rubber duckies. Yes...I cried the first time he did it. It amazes me. He sees the rubber duck he wants, he reaches and gets it, and puts that duck in his mouth. Amazes me every time!!! What a blessing! He sleeps in the bed with us. (Remember...the Bible says not to judge) Bahahaha...I know you're judging us right now :) He cuddles to go to sleep and he cuddles with me all night long. He loves to hold onto my face to sleep. He's a mama's boy and I'm an Asher girl. He has my heart in the palm of his hand and I am totally and completely in love with this little boy. There is nothing else in this whole wide world I could want. He looks at me and smiles that smile and I know that all is right in this world. I am amazed by God every day as I watch this baby boy grow up. He is our blessing and miracle from God and for that I will forever be grateful.

But what about my child?!?

I knew the day would come when Wae and I would watch the children Ian's age start getting involved in activities. I just didn't realize it would come so soon. I never know when it is going to hit me in the heart when they are doing new things but lately my heart has been a punching bag it seems. As I ride by the baseball fields somedays the tears just flow...I know the boys who were supposed to be in Ian's grade at school are starting to play ball this year for the first time. But wait...my little boy isn't out there too?!? How did that happen??? Oh yeah...he had RCDP and got robbed of the fun here with me and his daddy. The whole playing ball thing is one of the hardest for me to stomach. I don't know why but it just tears me up!

Before Ian was even born I put that sweet baby on the waiting list at the Early Learning Center in Centre so that when he was four years old he could start "school" The drawing was this week for which kids got into the school. All the moms went to hear if their kids got in or either they had someone listening for their sweet child's name. We can't do that either because our four year old is with Jesus...I never got to teach our sweet Ian his ABC's or how to count. I won't get to watch him go through the school programs this year with his sweet friends. How did this happen? What happened to all my dreams for my sweet boy?!? Oh yeah...RCDP again!!!

I try to focus on the good. I try to remain positive. I want to be upbeat but sometimes just sometimes I can't help but to have a hurting heart. I just miss that boy!!! I miss the Ian I dreamed of who was healthy and more importantly I miss the Ian I had who gave me so much in life. That sweet child of ours taught me so many lessons through his short life and for that I am grateful. I just can't help to grieve the child "I" had planned on for so many years. The child "I" had plans for with my friends who were having kids at the same time. The child"I" wanted so badly. I also can't help to grieve that child that God gave me...the one with so many special needs who was able to love me by snuggling and kissing. The one who couldn't hug my neck or tell me he loved me the normal way but was able to smile that smile and wipe away all my tears. He was so sweet...I miss him.

BUT because of that precious life changing Ian I enjoy Asher more than I ever would have. I take the time to swing outside with him when my house is a disaster. I go to bed with dirty bottles in the sink just so I can snuggle him to sleep. I stay in the bed longer in the mornings so he wakes up to my face and I can see him smile so big because he's laying with his mommy. I roll around in the floor acting a fool just to hear those giggles. I stroll him outside for hours because he loves it and I forget about the list of chores I have. I love him because of his big brother! I don't even think "I love him" gives justice to the way I feel about Asher. He makes me giddy...he makes my heart sing on those days when I see the boys playing baseball without Ian...he makes me laugh so hard I cry. He pulls my hair and I think it's precious because he CAN do it. I just love him....I love him....I love him so much it hurts :)

Enjoy the baseball games you are experiencing and all the hours of practice because the child you always dreamed of you got. Enjoy the homework (or try your best) because it means you have that child you dreamed of who can learn. God chose to bless you, just like he did us, with a healthy child so let's try to honor Him by doing the best job we can with the children he loaned us. What an awesome God we serve!!! I am humbled every day by his mercies....

From the outside looking in...

Wae and I took Asher to Memphis this past weekend. Asher was supposed to stay with my parents but my mom has been sick so he just tagged along with us. When we got into our room Wae was looking out the window. He said to me "Aren't you glad we're here instead of there this weekend?" I looked out the window to see a children's hospital. Wow...what a different perspective we have now.

From the outside of that hospital I was watching the cars go to and from and I was remembering what all I saw there. I remembered the innocent children who were suffering from Cancer, the ones who were so sick they couldn't respond, and the ones with genetic disorders who had so many problems to deal with. I remembered the hurting I had in my heart every time I went to Children's Hospital. I remembered the times Ian had surgeries there, the many doctor's visits, and those hard days of "sticking" him trying to draw blood. Oh the heartache!

From the outside looking in I was so saddened for the families who were having to experience those hard days at the hospital. Asher loved looking out the window at the cars riding by therefore I spent a lot of time looking at the hospital. I spent a lot of time praying for those families who were there. I don't know one person who was in that hospital but I do know the pain that goes along with that place. If I was awake with Asher at 3 am I prayed for those families whom I didn't know. I cried for those families whose hearts were hurting and I just felt so truly sad for them. That made me think...people were sad for me and people prayed for me. I now have a full heart that is overflowing with joy because of those prayers. I now have so much happiness that I can't contain it and it is because my Heavenly Father granted me my prayer....a healthy child.

So...I say this to you to thank you for praying for us. Thank you for being an instrumental part in our lives and thank you for not forgetting us. We once were the people in that hospital. The people who went to bed every night with a tear stained pillow. Now because of answered prayers we are experiencing a life I never knew could exist. A perfect life full of happiness.

I thank God so many times every day for these answered prayers. I then get so caught up in the fact that thank you isn't enough. I can't thank Him enough for what He's done. I can serve him though and try to bring other's to know Christ to show my thanks. So...that's what I'm doing. I'm serving my Savior by being involved in church more and trying to let my light shine so other's will want to know Him in the way I do. Life with Christ is so fulfilling and I'm so grateful for His many blessings.

Please join me in prayer tonight for those families at Children's Hospital.I know we don't know them but I can assure you they need all the prayers we can offer. My dad always said growing up..."But for the grace of God that would be us."

Asher news...he's still perfect in our eyes. A little spoiled yes but doesn't that just mean he's well loved?!? He is sitting up on his own now and plays with so many toys. He reaches for his favorites and falls a million times a day on his face. I'm thinking he earned his first black eye yesterday from falling. We'll see soon enough. He has learned to squeal like a little girl and it's soooo loud. Wish he'd stop that trick LOL. He can make that sound with his lips by pressing them together and blow bubbles everywhere. He is drooling like crazy and I am almost certain a tooth is about to pop through. He likes to sleep with us ( I know everyone has their own opinion here but this is what works best for us) He likes to have his hands on my face to sleep sometimes, sometimes he just wants to hold my hand and sometimes he just wants to snuggle. It's precious and it makes my heart happy. When he's 16 and on a date I'm sure I won't regret the sleepless nights I had with him holding my hand. Those will be my fondest memories for sure!!! I tell myself I am creating a mother/son bond that's so strong he'll love me as much as my daddy loves his mama. He's my joy!!! He said mama last week for the first time :) YAY...he has said it a few more times and three different people have witnessed it so it's real!!! Once again...my heart is smiling. He smiles, he giggles, he cries, he squeals, he doesn't sleep much, he is eating us out of house and home, he has no clothes that fit, he splashes in his bath water, he goes nuts when his daddy comes home, he hugs and kisses me a lot, and HE IS NORMAL!!! I love it!!! Once again...going to bed with a big ole' smile on my face and a prayer of thanksgiving for answered prayers.

Discover your Joy...

I am doing a new bible study. Beth Moore has out a new study about James. We are just now in session three and last night she simply spoke to my heart. I have said so many times...."I can't explain it. I have went through one of the worst tragedies a mother could ever experience. I have buried my child...I have a hole in my heart where he took a huge piece of me but somehow I'm happy. Somehow I have joy in my life." These words were even spoken during the life of Ian, during the death of Ian, and during the grieving of Ian. I myself have always known it was MY GOD who was giving me the joy. However, I didn't know bible verses to back up my thoughts and I didn't know exactly how to express what God was doing for me. I knew it was him though...I knew it. You know that peace that passes all understanding. The peace and contentment that only He can bring during the storm.

I now have verses...I now have my new motto. Psalm 30:11-12 says "You turned my wailing into dancing;you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Wow...He did this for me. For undeserving little ole' me. The girl who questioned "Why?" so many times. The girl who spent days without even talking to Him. He turned my nights of tears into dancing! I now am so happy that I seriously cannot contain it somedays. Sackcloth referred to clothes worn as a sign of mourning. In my eyes I can see the XL jogging pants and XL sweatshirt I wore all day every day....he turned all that depression, all that sadness, all those tears into JOY!!! I have joy...if you don't have it you should find God! He gives you joy...and it's an indescribable joy!

I can't stop at that verse...I'm sorry. She got me this week! John 16: 20-24 says "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. (THIS WAS THE HARDEST PART TO ME...HOW COULD THE WORLD GO ON?!? I LOST MY BABY BOY!!!) You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy (WHOA!!! JOY...MY SWEET ASHER WHOM I LOVE SO DEARLY BECAUSE OF MY SWEET IAN!) A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you; Now is your time of your grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. Oh me...grief turns to joy!

She then read from one of my favorite books written by a mom whose baby girl now lives with Jesus. She read from the book and I couldn't hold back the tears. This mom gets it. She knows how it feels to lose a child...how it feels to bury a child...how it feels to lose that piece of your heart. She described a moment in time like this "Grief and joy danced together as if they had a right to." You see...after listening to these verses grief and joy coexist if you trust God with your anguish. I did trust God...I gave him every worry. And do you know what He did for me?!? He gave me JOY!!! He far surpassed what I thought he would do. I can't describe the joy we now have in our lives. But I know can show you in the bible that God gave me my joy out of our anguish and grief. I write this to say...if you are in anguish over something hand it to God because Joy and Anguish coexist and HE will take care of you!!!

Now my sweet and precious Asher....he's a mess! He is rolling now. (PRECIOUS!) He wants to stand up all the time. He'll sit then nope he wants to stand. He is almost sitting up on his own and he has a personality to die for. He knows he's loved, he knows he's cute, and he definitely knows he's the center of attention. He smiles all the time and it's not just with his lips. His whole body smiles and melts everyone's heart. He is a nosy booger and doesn't let anything get by him. He talks a lot! He loves to play in his walker and he can play with toys. For real...he likes to play. He has learned to blow bubbles and can do that indian call :) when I pat my hand on his mouth. He gives me and hugs and kisses when I say love mama and he's my JOY! Jesus said...he would turn my anguish into joy and that He did. If you don't know Him I suggest you start reading the bible and discovering how awesome he really is!!! Without Him in my life I would be the mom who lost her child who was still depressed, sleeping all day and missing out on all the miracles in my life. Don't be that person!!! Discover your joy...

Feeling extra blessed today...

I woke up with happy tears this morning. Today was supposed to be my first day back at work. However, I am taking an educational leave this semester. This means I will start working on a new degree AND I will be able to stay at home with my sweet Asher. I have dreaded January 3rd for months now because I just couldn't bare the thought of leaving my sweet baby boy. It was a bit sad to not go back to visit with teacher friends and I seriously miss the days with my fun 1st graders but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am where I am supposed to be today. I am home with my funny and happy little man. We have read books together today, we have played in his new jumparoo, we have practiced sitting up, we have practiced standing up, we have sang a song about his body parts, we have sang the ABC's, we have practiced rolling over, we have played with his funny dancing puppy, we have kissed and hugged, and we have rocked and loved each other. Now that's my kind of day!!!

Asher...he is seriously funny! He talks to himself all the time. He talks to the ceiling fan and he talks to his dancing puppy from Ella Kathryn and Cohen. He stares at himself in his mirror from Colin and Ellisan and he just laughs. He has learned to roll over and of course I am a proud mommy. He is fairly good at rolling from tummy to back but has only rolled from back to tummy once. He loves to stand up and never wants to sit down. He loves bathtime but has recently learned how to jump out of his seat. Funny to him but not so much to mommy. I have to quickly give this fella' a bath and not my head for one second. Otherwise he'll be under the water. :) Glad to be having to learn about these new things. He pulls things off the table when he eat and makes a mess. It's funny to me. I have to learn to put things out of his reach. He has a personality already and it is PRECIOUS!!! He is a sweet sweet boy and so lovable. He is inquisitive and loves to know about everything going on around him. He will play by himself and be so happy but he equally loves you to be involved as well. He has outgrown all 3 month clothes and is already in 3-6 and some 6-9. I am running out of clothes believe it or not!!! His sleepers are about all to small because his feel are just too big. His sleeping is much better waking just once a night for a bottle. He quickly downs it and goes right back to sleep in his pack and play.

I am an adoring mom...I adore his eyes. They are so blue with so much love showing through them. I adore his smile...it is flirty, quirky, funny, sweet, silly, and loving. I adore his strength...He is a strong fella' who insists on standing and is striving to learn to do new things each day. I adore his loving spirit...don't know if he'll always be loving but for now he loves his mommy and I LOVE that!!! I adore his dimples...they melt my heart. I adore him! Every square inch of him inside and out.

I would say now you know why I feel a little extra blessed today. We all have so much to be thankful for and it's so easy to forget about being thankful. It's so easy to just know it's ours and go on with life not being thankful. I do it I know. However, today as I thought about getting up and rushing out the door to go to work and dropping Asher off with someone else to care for him I couldn't help but to cry happy and thankful tears. For the past four years a fav bible verse of mine has been Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It was hard for me to recite this verse four years ago and truly believe it. But I knew I just knew God had plans. I can see the plans today he had and I am grateful for every tear I had to cry in order to live out this plan. If it weren't for those tears and those hard days I wouldn't know to be so grateful. I think I get on Wae's nerves telling him how grateful I am LOL I praise God for the miracle of life he has given us. I miss my baby boy Ian and hate all that he had to endure in order to teach me what mattered in life.

Adventures with Asher

Now that Asher has had his shots and is a little bit bigger we are finally able to adventure out into the world with him and not worry about him being put back in the hospital. I know it's flu season and there are a lot of things going around so we don't go a lot of places but we are back at church now and I do take him shopping for a fun day out with Mommy and Nonnie. It does my soul good to see different scenary and I am hoping it will train Asher to be accustomed to going and doing things. :) We'll see...

Anyways...back to the point. We took Ian anywhere and everywhere. At the beginning there weren't too many stares but when he got older and people could see something was "wrong" with my perfect Ian they couldn't help but to take a second look at him. Some of those looks said "God bless their souls. It would be so hard to raise a child "like that" some of the looks said..."Did you see that baby?!? What is wrong with him?!?" and some of them said "I'm so sorry!!!" Most people were well meaning and didn't mean to crush my momma heart but they always did. I saw Ian as pure perfection just the same way I see Asher. I saw Ian as a blessing and pure joy to be around. However, some people saw Ian as a burden...as different....and as a setback in life. We did not!!!

What a difference our world is now though. We took Asher to the mall yesterday and every person who saw him said "Oh how cute!!! Let me see that baby!!!" "Look at that boy...he's a fattie!" There were no pity looks and there were no I'm sorry's. There were people talking to him and Asher would instantly throw on his charm and smile and giggle at each person :) It feels so nice. It's fun to go out in public with my little boy and "show him off" and not have to worry about my heart being crushed because someone thought he looked "different" You don't know to appreciate that pleasure in life until you've had a child that makes everyone look twice and whisper about you behind your back. Once again....I'm thankful for the blessing of Asher in our lives.

Asher...getting funnier every day. Wae went hunting this past weekend for a few days in Illinois and when he got back Asher was so excited!!! Wae picked him up and Asher didn't even want to see my face after that. If I would walk over and talk to him he would cry. I tried to get him back from Wae and rock him...he cried. He only wanted his daddy. Wae had him laughing his head off...he wouldn't do it for me. He for sure has a personality already.

We started a new tradition this year with Asher and his buddies. I couldn't decide if I wanted it to be only a family tradition or if I wanted to include his friends too but I finally decided to include his little buddies. It was a "Happy Birthday Jesus" party. We read the story of Christmas, made ornaments for our tree, and did a sticker scene craft. We had birthday cake and sent balloons to Heaven to Jesus for His birthday. When asked what Christmas was really about some said "Santa" and some said "presents" Some also said "Jesus' birthday" I am excited to teach Asher that this holiday is not about him getting the most toys or everything he wants but that it's about celebrating Jesus Christ and the love He has for us. As I read the story Asher watched me and listened intently to every word I said. He may have wanted his daddy when he got home but he is for sure a momma's boy at heart :)

Thought I would share some pictures from our party and one of Asher's chunky legs. I just love his rolly polly self :)

I'm a dork...

As you all know I am a teacher. I started my teaching career in 2nd grade and moved to 1st grade later. Teaching has always had my heart and been a passion of mine. I love to create FUN lessons and be playful with my students. I love to hug my little darlings and claim them as "my kids" throughout the year. In my opinion, good teachers have a heart for teaching. They love children, they love learning, and they love seeing those sweet little eyes sparkle when the lesson finally "clicks" in a child's head.

For now I am at home with Asher. I won't be at home with him forever but today I am. So guess who is my student for today?!? Asher...They have awesome blogs created for stay at home moms. These moms actually TEACH their children lessons. They make awesome crafts and learn bible verses and how they relate to our lives. They read bible stories and learn about Jesus. They have lessons centered around the holidays with activities to make learning fun. Asher is 12 weeks old...can he say his ABC's? Well goodness no! He can't even roll over yet. He can talk some very cute baby talk though. :) So guess what we do at home? We practice our ABC's (LOL...I admitted I'm a dork already so don't talk about me behind my back :) ) I am already creating lessons for this funny boy and I have some ABC scriptures ran off laminated and ready for him to memorize once can sit up. Hahaha...ok, ok, I'll hold off until he can talk. :) I am just being prepared and finding my lessons to create while I am home with my precious one. I love watching a child learn and I can't imagine it being MY OWN child learning what I am teaching. I get all giddy and excited about it. :) Yes...I'm a dork and a teacher at heart. I can't wait to teach this little one...CANNOT WAIT!!!

Asher is growing so fast. He has discovered his hands this past week and chews on them continuously. I was worried about the germs but guess what they make? Hand wipes that kills 95% of germs. YAY...now what about that other 5%!? Just kidding...just kidding! Those 5% of germs can build his immune system all y'all keep telling me he needs to build up. :) He loves to sit like a big boy and doesn't much like being held like a baby anymore :( He loves to snuggle and rock before a nap and his passy is the only way to get him to sleep. He likes to stand up and look around at world and he still isn't a big sleeper. He plays on his playmat and laughs out loud at himself and I crack up every time. He's so stinking happy that sometimes he can't even take his bottle for smiling. He smiles and laughs through his bottle and I'm putty in his cute little fat hands. He has my heart!!! I catch myself sometimes...I'll be rocking him and tears will just start flowing down my cheeks. God blessed us with this miracle!!! God's grace and mercy amazes me. We don't deserve such an awesome blessing in life but he chose us to be the parents of the most precious child. I can't help but to cry when I think about it. Pure joy...this is what it feels like. Obsessed? Yes! In love? most definitely!!! Pure happiness when I think about Asher...it couldn't be any better.

Well...he's napping so I'm going to tip toe in there and stare at him a minute while he's so peaceful. Then busy around the house for a minute to clean this mess up. Hope you like the new pics...