Don't ask why but for what purpose...

Recently I have been reliving the first days with Ian. I have been emailing back and forth with a family who has a new baby with RCDP. The reason I started Rhizo Kids was so that no other family would ever have to face the diagnosis alone again. I try to remember the emotions I had those first days, weeks, and months. I want to only encourage and be a positive friend when in the midst of your diagnosis you are being given such negative perceptions about your new baby.

While doing this today I have dug out some of my favorite books. My number one book through Ian's life was "Holding on to Hope" This mother lived a story much like ours. It's been awhile since I read the entire book but I'm pretty sure she lost two children. It's very touching and about the story of Job in the bible.

I read this book over and over and over when Ian was alive. When I opened the book today I had written in the front cover "Your question should not be why but for what purpose?" I wrote that simple statement when I was a young mother at the age of 24 years old knowing I was going to inevitably lose my first born child. Now that I have Asher and I look back at the things I wrote in this book I am amazed. It's like another lifetime ago...I am sitting in the bed tonight with my perfectly healthy Asher laying beside me asleep. As I watch his chest rise and fall as he breathes I am once again brought to tears at the thought of God's greatness and mercy. This baby beside me is asleep with his hands raised above his head and all I can do is cry out of thankfulness for their precious arms. Thank you God!!!

Isn't the grace of God so much bigger than our simple human minds can grasp?!? Wow...he gave me such peace, love, joy, understanding, and happiness through such a hard time. Yes some days I was down right miserable. Yes some days the devil snuck in and stole my joy. BUT...for the most part I was being held in the palm of my Father's hand and he led me through the greatest days of my life that some people can only view as the hardest days of my life. Ian was one of my greatest blessings in life and I will forever be grateful that I am his mommy.

I did ask why and I asked it a lot. However, I strongly feel that I focused more on "for what purpose" than why??? For what purpose God does my first and only child have a fatal disorder? What do you want of me? All I have ever wanted is to honor God through the life and death of my precious child. I want people to see that yes God has blessed me in this life on earth. Through the blessings I have praised God. BUT...I have also experienced trials that were so hard I could barely crawl out of the bed some days. And through those hard days I have praised God.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."
"Holding on to Hope" says "You and I, like Job, know that God gives and God takes away. And when he takes away, if we're able to focus on the joy of what was given, if only for a time, we take another step down the pathway toward the heart of God. "

You see God gave our family a miracle in Ian. A miracle who was a life changer. I can't tell you how many people have told me they were saved because of Ian's life. Or how many people told me they were better parents because of Ian Ellis. I know I personally leave my house a wreck and do what Asher and Wae want me to do because Ian taught me that family matters...the here and now matters because we aren't promised tomorrow. This was the purpose for our trial...to be a willing vessel for God to use. I want to glorify God and I want to make him proud!!! Have you ever thought about that?!? Are you making God proud? Whoa...that one scares me!!!!

Asher...IS A MESS!!! He's a handsome and lovable mess but he's a big ole' mess. He can sit up like a pro now and he is trying his best to crawl. He reaches for me non-stop and it melts my heart. He dances up and down when someone comes in he knows. If he's just sitting by you playing he'll reach over and hug you for no reason. Agh...that melts me!!! He smiles all day long. He loves it outside. He can sit up in his bathtub by himself now and play with rubber duckies. Yes...I cried the first time he did it. It amazes me. He sees the rubber duck he wants, he reaches and gets it, and puts that duck in his mouth. Amazes me every time!!! What a blessing! He sleeps in the bed with us. (Remember...the Bible says not to judge) Bahahaha...I know you're judging us right now :) He cuddles to go to sleep and he cuddles with me all night long. He loves to hold onto my face to sleep. He's a mama's boy and I'm an Asher girl. He has my heart in the palm of his hand and I am totally and completely in love with this little boy. There is nothing else in this whole wide world I could want. He looks at me and smiles that smile and I know that all is right in this world. I am amazed by God every day as I watch this baby boy grow up. He is our blessing and miracle from God and for that I will forever be grateful.