Reflections...

This Sunday marks the two year anniversary of Ian leaving our arms and entering the Pearly Gates with his Heavenly Father. I remember this day last year and the feelings I had and I remember this day two years ago when I was holding my angel baby and he flew to Jesus. I remember the battles we had during Ian's life and I remember the battles we had after Ian's life. I see where we are now and I see God's plan all over our lives.

This time two years ago our lives could have went in so many directions. We could have continued our lives in bitterness, anger, and grief. We could have chosen to live in misery for the rest of our lives because we miss our Ian so. We chose to choose the other path though. We chose to live.

As I reflect over the past two years without Ian I see sadness, the days of deep depression, months of grieving, moments of confusion paired with bitterness and anger. I see the times when we tried our best to appear happy on the outside so our family and friends wouldn't worry and I see the times when we simply couldn't act and depression was written all over our faces. I remember the days of wondering where God was going with us and praying for the days of happiness to come. I remember grieving Ian because he was gone and grieving because we couldn't get pregnant. There were so many dark days.

And now....we have a healthy one month old little boy. He's not just a normal little boy. He's a miracle who God chose to bless us with. Against all odds we have Asher. The doctors said we couldn't have healthy children and God saw to it that we did. Asher means happy and blessed and I am so thankful to type this entry two years after Ian's passing and be able to say that we do have happiness again. That I see now where God was going with this and that we needed time to grieve our sweet Ian. I can tell you we felt God holding us in the palm of his hand these past 4 years.

Do I miss Ian this year on the anniversary of his going to Heaven? Goodness yes.... Do I miss him more every day? Certainly! Am I reliving every emotion, and every second of that week when he was so incredibly sick? Of course! I hate this week!!! However, this year I'm in a different place. I am missing our sweet Ian but I am putting all my efforts into enjoying Asher even more because of what his big brother Ian taught me. He taught me how to love Asher and how to be the best mommy I can be. If it weren't for Ian Ellis mommyhood wouldn't mean half of what it does to me. I will never forget Ian and I'm not replacing him with Asher but I know Ian would want me to love Asher and enjoy him 110% so that is just what I am doing!!!

We'll be taking Asher to the pumpkin patch tomorrow on his one month birthday with all of his friends. I am sure it will be bittersweet because Ian won't be with us in body but we'll get a pumpkin for his big brother and remember the happy times at the pumpkin patch with him too! Ian may be gone from our home but he will never be forgotten. I love you sweet Ian and we'll all be with you in just a blink of an eye!!! Hugs and kisses from mommy...